It's been a month

It's been a month since we departed
It's been a month but you're still here with me
You're in my thoughts, and in my dreams
You rush in my mind and I can't help it
Our souls stay connected still

It's been a month that we were together
Two souls opened up in real intimacy
You touched my heart and you touched my soul
Such intense feeling I never experienced before
But I left and you went back to where you belong

It's been a month and I wish to see you again
I wanna see your smile and look in your eyes
I miss the way I felt and opened up myself
I told you things from the depth of my heart
Even in the secret garden I let you walk

It's been a month and I want to forget
I know I shouldn't dream of your smile
I know you would never be mine
But nothing else could be more real
Than what our souls is connecting

It's been a month and I still feel you

I see your eyes look into mine
And I feel you hugging me strong and tight
But this is not mere imagination
It can be as strong as physical sensation

It's been a month and I am going crazy
There are two parts fighting in me
I want to forget you and your smile
While I have such a unique feeling inside
I know you are not part of my reality

It's been a month and I am burning inside

I should think of other man who can be real

I wanna settle my life and get married

But between a dull relation and a real connection

I rather choose to live in my imagination

needs of love and the work place

There is an important point I had to recognize: whether we want or not, we carry the needs of our souls even to the working place. And it can create suffering. 

Organizations tend to activate our complexes regarding authority. As the first authority in our lives were our parents, in certain situations, we may project parental authority to our leaders, and we expect to love and secure us, satisfy our emotional needs.

As human beings we strive for love, respect and admiration. In a working place you may receive admiration (in the form of money), maybe even respect, but love? Forget about that. In a normal working place your boss will unlikely love you, but you may find good mates, who respect. But if you want to be loved, go and look for it elsewhere, don't expect that from your working place.

Corporate issues should be dealt with the same way as personal ones: one need to keep a healthy relationship with its soul. That is why I am so lucky: many people do care about their souls, including some leaders. 

The energy that you transmit affects all people around you - and it is valid in the working place too. 

experience makes a difference

Not long ago I reached a turning point in my life: I have spent more time with the Red Cross than at the big 4. when such time comes, it is kind of unwritten rule that we reconsider our working life: maybe it's time to move on.

This moment came in my life too. Immediately after my mother's death, i applied to a new position supporting the Ebola operations. By the time I received an invitation for an interview, I changed my mind. I realized that I am in the right place. Why should I then apply to any other position? I am not the kind of person who would escape after the first crisis. Then why would I run away meeting a normal crisis, immediately? Ok, losing one's mother doesn't happen often, but still. It does happen in everyone's life, but not all people runs away to work in Africa. So let's look into it.

I realized that applying was not a sensible decision. Firstly, I couldn't responsibly leave my current position any time within the next three months - our good friend, the year-end closing was just approaching,- whereas it is an emergency position to be filled in asap. Secondly, I want my roots and focus on a part of my life I have been struggling with in the recent years. I don't need any more professional challenge. I found what I need. Well, for the time being. I have the routine, the challenge, a nice atmosphere, kindred colleagues. I do a work I like - a good combination of people and numbers, for an organization that I like - supporting the vulnerable, with people that I like - similar hearted people are all around. I am grateful for using my professional talent in such a place and working with such nice colleagues... What else would I need?

A company is a combination of people who get together to achieve a common goal. Whereas a community is generated from a company through a common experience that grabs the participants out of their solitude. Oftentimes a working place is perceived as a company, but not a community. Whereas each of us desires to belong to a community. And this difference only creates tension and suffering.

What differentiates Red Cross from many other working place - and it could be any NGO, I guess - is that there is not only a common goal that the employees share, but there is a common experience of assisting others. Especially in those places where the actual delivery of support is combined with the office work. Having worked for Red Cross, I did experience supporting the floods operations in the Balkan, earthquake recovery in Haiti and normal development work in various European countries. When one joins Red Cross, they don't only become a member of a company, but they become a member of a community. And this is why it is hard for so many to leave the organization. Or if they once do, in a couple of year's time they would come back. One way or another.

Working in a zone office, it is a bit different. We are working in such a distance from the operations, as such one starts to suffer, as the soul gets in a distance. This is why I sometimes long to go to the field. I know how that is, and I miss having that common experience, which is much more obvious when you are supporting those in need, and you can see every day the immediate effect of the actions you and your organisation does. You know what each of your colleagues do to support those in need, and even if you fulfil a support function, the goal is obvious, but you share that experience as well, and you become a real community. The bonds become as tight as family, or even tighter.

While in the zone office, it is a bit different. When you are sitting behind a desk in a nice building, in a hill looking over the most beautiful European city (ok, i might be a bit biased, but many share my views), in such circumstances, you could be assisting any kind of projects. It could be T-shirt production or business acquisition, and not floods operation or refugee support. Numbers are numbers everywhere. And sometimes it makes me suffer. After extended periods without visiting the field, I start to miss something. Like I would have lost my soul, at least in the workplace.

But then comes another mission, to another place, and I feel that something is different, I experience something common, I see the effect we may have, and then my motivation is back. Now I understand that it is because of that common experience. Feeling a soul in the working place.

Is it a problem that I do not feel it all the time? Probably. But I need to admit that I am lucky having experienced it on the first place. It might be wrong to lose it, but then at least I know what I am looking for. The same way as the orphans may get used to a volunteer's love. "Finally there is someone who loves me unconditionally, cares about me and gives me all i need," thinks the little girl. And then the volunteer needs to return back home, and she suffers. Cannot sleep for weeks and months, cries and there is no one who could give her any comfort.
It might sound tragic to expose a two-year-old orphan to such a trauma, but at least she experienced what real love is. At least there is a print in her head (or rather in her heart) what love is, and it is better to have experienced love than never to be exposed to it.

The same way, I may suffer at times for being far away from the operations, but I utilize my professional knowledge at the best fit, for the organisation's benefit. Will it always be like that? Probably not. But for the time being i am in the right place. And that is important. I can go and look for experiences from time to time when i can share that common experience again. Whether it is distributing food, playing with the kids or implementing a policy, that experience of supporting those in need is what makes a difference. 

dreams, dreams, dreams

Dreams of you keep coming back
Although I try to keep you out of my head
Still you often rush in my mind
As an unexpected guest at night

You live your life and I live mine
And those cross only once in a while
Our realities couldn't be any further
A ring and hundreds of thousand miles

Your life is grounded, unlike mine
Thoughts of me only spice up your life
And only when you lie besides your wife

I still cherish the time when you were mine
But my part is to forget and focus on my real life
of which you have no permanent part

I need to find my roots, I cannot water dreams
That way the plant I want, would never raise
Dreaming of you, what I want could never reach
It might sound pragmatic - sorry, that is

But I just need to be present in my real life
So I try not to think of you and your smile
But still you keep coming back
How could I get back on track?

13-Jan-2015

The test of life

I heard a message stating that if you want to find your perfect match, you have to pass the test of life, the same way as Tamino needs to pass several tests until he wins Pamina in the Magic flute.

Then a series of questions raised in my head: Is it really true? Is there any perfect match? Do you need to pass any test to meet your special someone? I am not sure. For me the concept seems absurd. That you can only be complete with another person. It’s evil.  

I see that many people expect a perfect match to save their lives. People expect to find the way back to Paradise by finding that special someone who perfectly matches them. Little girls look for a father who protects them, and men search for women whom they can save – as they had to (or wanted to) save their mothers.

It feels like there are little children playing that matching game. There are small semicircles all around the globe, all in different sizes and colours, and they are looking for their other halves, the one that would match perfectly, both in size and color. People try on the first semicircle and after a while they realize that they do not match at all, so they set off and look for another one who might match better. A new try, and a new disappointment. And after a while they accept what comes into life, they need to satisfy with a compromise, as they didn’t encounter that truly perfect match.

The myth of the androgüns tells the same, although I never felt any truth in it. People were originally created by the gods with two heads, four hands and four legs, they had both male and female sexual organs. These people had extraordinary power and lived a happy life. That’s why the gods started to envy them, and they decided to cut people’s power. So the gods cut the androgüns in half, and since then there are men and women on the face of Earth. Ever since then people are depressed as they feel that something is missing. They search for their other halves, hoping that they will find the lost Paradise.

But this is simply nonsense. You cannot expect someone to bring you back to Paradise. Sorry to break the news: there is no single person who could save you. After the floods we are all floating on the sea of life, everyone tries to survive. Everyone has a single lifebelt, each of us has only one. In such circumstances how could one expect that another shipwrecked person would save him?

The Savior is not to be found without, it can only be found within. You need to realize that no one can ever save you, except for yourself. It is only yourself who can save you.

Paradise cannot be found without, it can only be found within. We can find the way back to Paradise, to ourselves, via accepting the shadow and the complexes and taking the responsibility for ourselves and our actions, and also our non-actions. If we do that, then we are capable of real love (not depending on the other, which is rather need than love, still universally called as love). And if we are capable of love, we are capable of a real connection, an intimate relation with another human being.

If we know ourselves we can get connected with similar souls. But when we play roles and only follow the rules, then we don't even know ourselves either, how could we recognize if someone is similar to us?

In the Jungian approach, first you need to start to walk the path of individuation and then you may feel real love. You may find someone to love earlier, but then it is not love, that sensation is only an illusion. It is only your inner projection. Later you realize that you don’t even know the person you’re with, and then it ends up being a power game. After a while you feel that you were cheated. You were expecting for the special someone to carry your weight, to take responsibility for you and your actions, to make you happy, to bring you back to Paradise... all of which is a hidden objective of the little child inside, who lost the unison with universe and the mother, was lost and alone, and now seeks the same kind of Paradise as he lived in the womb of the mother.

But if you start the individuation process, you start to accept yourself in your uniqueness, you may experience real encounters, and your life will be open for real love. If it is a test of life, fine. In my understanding, this is life. What others do, who don't start this road, remain children and will never grow up...

We form our relationships based on the first relationship we had with human beings, i.e. the relationship towards our mother and father. The patterns of this original relationship are so much imprinted in our minds, that we repeat the same rules and those decide on our choice of relationships and their nature. Without us being aware of them. As a matter of fact, we tend to live our past over and over again. The same patterns appear, one relationship after the other, the same actions and reactions as we did with our mothers and fathers.

If you want to live in a healthy relationship, you need to grow up and accept that there are such irrational motives in all your relationships. You cannot really change on that. But it’s your choice whether you are aware of these hidden objectives, and whether you let them lead your life, or you decide to lead your own life, in your own way, instead of repeating the same patterns you always did, repeating the relationship that you had with your mother or your father.

It is your life and it is your decision whether you want to be an adult or a child.

It is very much necessary to have an honest look into the mirror before we could start to prepare for a relationship. Without understanding ourselves, there is no possibilty of a real commitment based on real intimacy.

The quality of our relationships depends on the way we feel in our own skin. The best and most we can do for all our acquaintance, is to acknowledge the relationship we have towards ourselves, and then we can give our best self in our relationships.

When the relationship is not stimulated by ever renewing needs, but there is a true care for the other person, then we are truly free to experience the other’s unique self. Then we take on the journey to experience the centre of that person. By digging towards the centre to truly experience the other’s true self, we open up and we truly encounter. In such a relationship one can experience real love.

When only surfaces scratch each other, it is only acquaintance, there is no connection, even if decades were lived together. There will be no love between two periferies. Love can be experienced only in the depth of the soul, when two souls encounter in the silence, where no words are needed to understand each other.

When we walk our own lives, and we allow our spouse to follow his own mission, and support him doing that, when you accept whatever his decision is, then we truly care about him and respect him. 

This can be called love – in its truest sense. 

a glimpse to real intimacy

for years i have been looking for a real connection
a mixture of physical and emotional attraction
a connection spiced up with similar wavelength
and common transcendental experience

although i was longing for real intimacy

i couldn't help but still kept my privacy

kept my protecting walls towards most men

and opened up only to some specimen

i always felt that something was missing

or simply i was the one missing

the father wound made me escape

you cant make me sit in a cage 

then coincidence brought an extraordinary collusion

when i met you in this earthly dimension

the walls i tried to keep, disappeared

a look in your eyes made me feel complete 

honest talks, open communication

sharing even the spiritual dimension 

appreciation of each others' unique gear
this is pure, it couldn't be more real 

i experienced a unique connection

but will never base an intimate relation

a real connection which is so rare

but i hope life will still spare 

i may cry, but only once in a while
then it makes me feel that i am alive
i know you exist, even if not for me
you gave only a glimpse of intimacy 

i only hope that life will be good
and such connection is not too unique
happens not only once in a lifetime
and when i experience it the next time
it will base a relationship that lasts a lifetime