Extracts from David Deida's Dear lover

Again some thoughts from David Deida. Read for women only.

Extracts from the book Dear lover - a woman's guide to men, sex, and love's deepest bliss

You are alive as love, and your entire body yearns to open as love. Your heart wants nothing more than to live open as love, to give yourself totally as love - and to be seen as the love that you are.
The secret to unfolding your heart's deepest bliss is to give and receive love fully, with or without a man.
And it is this disposition of openhearted radiance that will gift the world as well as attract and keep a man capable of actually meeting your heart's deepest desire.

You are love. Your love shines as light, so you want to be seen.

A man who could be fully present with you - a man whose consciousness was deep and clear because he was living his true purpose and his passionate heart was unencumbered by fear and ambiguity - such a man wants equally unambiguous surrender offered through your yearning body and heart. He wants your love offered as an open invitation with full energy through your entire body. Your man wants to see love shining in your face. You want your man to truly see you, deeply feel you and know you, utterly.

When a man feels you, he feels your shells. In your face, he sees the strain of long hours or years of holding your life together while your deepest heart would rather have surrendered open in ecstatic trust. In your gait, he feels the stress of un-offered bodily devotion, while your deep heart would rather have been a slave to love, commanded open by love's torrential flow, undulated by love's boundless pleasure. Around your heart, he senses the "do not trespass" warning, and so he holds himself back from entering your life deeply.

Few men are capable of entering a woman's heart and opening her body to God's bliss, but few women are capable of offering their heart and body to be claimed open in this way.

Fear - the refusal to open as love - is the only reason your sexual life and relationship are less than God-blissful.

Most men can't meet you fully. So, though your heart and body yearn to be ravished by real love, you bury your heart's longing under a life of busyness, family, friends, and distractions.
Just as you have chosen to guard your heart for fear of being hurt, the man you attract will have chosen to claim life more shallowly than his true depth.
Your relationship won't work because his freedom is false and your love is hidden; you are both afraid.
A commitment to love requires opening beyond these fears.
You can practice keeping your heart open for the sake of love's fullness, even when your man hurts you, even when you are alone, even when the pain and yearning in your heart feel overwhelming.
To live with an open heart and body moved by love is your only option if you want to fulfill your deepest desire - to receive and give love's most full bliss - with or without a man.

Love is the only way to live that won't leave your feminine heart feeling unseen, ungiven, empty, and wanting - no matter how successful your professional life may be.

When a man feels you, he no longer feels your deep gifts of love, but your shells. He feels your desire for independence and your desire to be wanted. He feels your push and your pull. He feels moments when your heart surrenders to be taken, and moments when your protection shields your heart from being hurt. He is probably as confused about his deepest purpose as you are about your deepest desire for love. SO, instead of persisting in committed loving, peeling away layer after layer of your resistance, lovingly claiming your true sexual essence so you can offer your open heart as a divine gift - instead, he casually enjoys what he can and moves on to a less complicated woman; you appear to be quite attached to your independence, anyway.

As successful as you may be in your life, you long to merge with a man who can take you open beyond your shells by his deep and authentic claim, his gentle but persistent command - the dangerous demand of a man who will not settle for anything less than your total heart-giving.

If you are offering your heart's deepest yearning, then you will attract and inspire a man's deepest presence, right now.

Even though your man may truly love you and want to spend his life with you, he can often find your emotional flow meaningless and taxing, since your ever-changing energy is so foreign to the freedom of release he seeks: the "final" or changeless consciousness and peace that feels most "home" to his masculine essence.
He may be afraid to commit to you because he fears losing "other options", even if he loves you. He may pull back after especially deep lovemaking because he is afraid of losing his freedom to the bond that deeper loving may imply to him.

Whether you are with a man or not, you can open and offer the attractive power of your feminine sexual energy from your deepest heart for the sake of all beings - and by doing so, you will attract a deep man into your life.
Offering your deepest yearning and love is an art that will attract and inspire your man's deepest presence, even when you feel tired or not in the mood.

You can live open as love's art, moving in every aspect of life as a reflection of the sacred. Offer your feminine sexual energy through your deepest heart's yearning. The radiance of your deep heart's yearning is the beacon that attracts men of integrity. Not your neediness. Not your independence.
Throughout your life, continue to intuit and offer your heart's deepest longing.

As much as you may genuinely enjoy guiding your own life professionally, artistically, or politically, your feminine essence yearns to surrender as all love rather than maintain control and make all the decisions spiritually and sexually.

Choosing and staying with a man is like choosing to get on a train. You will end up going where your man goes, spiritually and sexually, or you will have to get off his train.
You want a man who feels you, listens to you, considers everything you have said, and then claims you, taking you to where you couldn't tell him to take you, even if you tried. He takes your heart to new depths of adventure and openness, and he shows you new aspects of life.

You don't want a man who adapts his direction to where you say you want to go. What good is he then?

A deep man of integrity takes your heart into his heart as he navigates, fine-tuning his actions while feeling your heart's response, always valuing your feedback. But his navigation is not relinquished or weakened by your feedback or anyone's.

Practice feeling your heart and opening your body, breath, and emotions so that love can express through you, unimpeded by your accumulated shells of fear-imposed masculine self-control.

Love your shells when your fear clamps tight, and then express your deepest yearning to your man. If you want a man whose train you trust to take you where you want to go - and beyond - then you can inspire his train with your depth of love's yearning and fine-tune his direction with your heart's intuition and your fullest expression of love's spontaneously offered energy.
You will attract and keep a man who can maintain his integrity with the same consistency that you can offer your dance through love-softened shells without collapse or frustration. And this isn't easy, for either of you.
If you want a man who can offer his deepest consciousness and create a sacred relationship with you - perhaps while also providing security, family and vacations - then feel, trust, and offer your heart's deepest yearning. Then, your love's most divine longing and deepest wisdom will choose the man you truly value and inspire. Your relationship will reflect your heart's most sacred light.

With practice you can learn to offer your pleasure, pain, and emotions spontaneously and responsively as soon as they occur, letting go of them instantly, always with your heart open and connecting with your lover's heart, even as your pleasure, pain, and emotions flow.
You can learn to stay open while all of your emotions flow. Even when anger is flowing, you can learn to remain in eye contact with your lover.
All emotions can and do flow when your heart is open and connected with your lover's heart.
Express your deepest heart immediately and spontaneously through your open and relaxed body, before suppressing it and allowing a secondary emotion to build up inside.

Learn to trust and value your heart's deep sensitivity. Fully express to your man how you feel as your lives proceed together, moment by moment.

As you grow, you will find fewer men and women who understand you, and fewer potential lovers who you can trust fully.
Your deep heart yearns to be seen and known and loved so fully that your yearning unfolds wide as God and divine love opens boundlessly through you and the hearts of all beings.

At some point during your workday, you notice that you have become stressed. Your head is tight, your jaw tense, your breath shallow. You have spent the day making major decisions for your business, leading meetings, and catching up on your to-do list. Somewhere along the line, you lost connection with your heart. You began operating on automatic pilot as a masculine machine of purpose. You accomplished a lot, but your body and heart now feel tight and blocked.
You stand still for a moment and relax. Every few hours during the workday you do a similar exercise. Sometimes you open your heart and body more subtly during a meeting or while sitting in front of the computer. You know that however important your business is, if you lose touch with your heart's deepest yearning and your body's openness, then you are training your body to be unfeeling and tense. You are disconnecting from what is most important to you: love.
You know that success is only worth achieving if love also flows fully in your heart, your body, and your life.
Over time, you actually learn to breathe all beings in and out of your heart and dance love through your entire body during your day at work.
This process can take years to cultivate artfully, but soon you notice other people treating you differently. Men and women are very attracted to your openness and radiance, but also very respectful of your depth. As you value your own deepest heart's yearning and breathe the hearts of all others, you attract honor, respect, and even worship from everyone.

A 3rd stage man worships the depth of your devotional yearning and the fullness of your feminine love-light. He knows that all things, including your body and mind, are transient, passing, and brief. This entire world is always changing, and so he is rooted in deep consciousness, that which never changes.
He can feel if you are needy of men's attention. If you are playing games. If you are acting independent on the outside but full of lonely fear in your heart. His body may enjoy looking at yours and his mind may appreciate your intelligence, but that is not enough to move his heart in worship. His heart, his depth, his consciousness, worships feminine devotional openness - a woman who loves to be claimed by God's ravishment, a woman confident in her light's attractiveness, a woman who offers herself as a radian blessing through which consciousness can worship and be worshipped.

Are your body and mind transparent to your heart's radiance and devotional yearning, showering the room with your gifts of blessing? Or are you afraid, self-conscious, or so wounded and confused that you have lost touch to some degree with your own heart's deepest desire and gifts?

If you were single and available for a relationship, the 3rd stage men int eh restaurant would notice your depth and strength of heart. Compared to the hurried, stressed, and self-worth-obsessed demeanor of most women, the confidence of your vulnerable and yearning heart shows through the openness of your body, eyes, and smile. And so does your untamed, undomesticated, unafraid energy.

Your practice of heart-depth, love-offering, and exquisitely responsive energy is what attracts a deep man and inspires all beings to open in the trust of love.

Every moment that you breathe more shallowly than you would while you were deeply making love, you are actively training your body to feel less, your heart to open less, your love to flow less.
You doubt love, so you buffer your heart and harden your body. You can become afraid to leave the familiar lifestyle - and tension - that continually abuses your heart. You've grown used to some suffering, and you truly love your well appointed home, your friends, your cat, your garden. You chose to play the victim to less love than you know, deep down, you deserve.

Nobody can make you grow beyond your heart-protected independence until you are ready to trust love and yearn open without becoming entangled in the unending drama of aloneness and possible relationship. You can choose to surrender open as your heart's deepest yearning. You can breathe, speak, move, and live as love's yearning openness.

No matter how much masculine success or freedom you have achieved, if you have a feminine sexual essence, then your heart yearns to be claimed in two-bodied devotional trust, ravished and offered without hesitation.

Be careful that your love of politics or business isn't a disguised form of not trusting your man, or not trusting that a man can take your heart open to God. Be careful that your professional life is an expression of your deepest heart, not a substitute for being ravished so fully that every cell is entered and burst open in love's bliss.

When you are ready to surrender open and be claimed by love, you will attract and choose a man who can open you fully, a man who does demand your total surrender with the consistent force of his deep and loving presence.

No body or relationship lasts forever. Only your yearning - love's desire to open through you - is constant. 

on intimate communion

While preparing for my exams i read two david deida books. On one hand, his development theory was part of my studies, on the other hand i spent far more time with the development stages of relationships than that of the ego. I was obviously fascinated by deida's work. 

It all started the first time i heard his name and his theory. i need to admit i was tired, and tipsy, sitting in the classroom, lost my attention long ago - hearing Freud's psychosexual development theory the dozen's time after a long night coupled with a good quantity of drink, one might understand, i was lost. But there did it come. The lecturer started talking about the kind of intimacy i recently got a glimpse of, that deida researched and wrote several books about. i got wide awake, completely focused, although i am still curious where the source of energy might have been as i was on reserve battery. I knew that i want to learn more about this thing that deida calls intimate communion. 

I shared my fascination with a good friend of mine, who coincidentally, just ordered one of deida's books. the next day i followed her, and ordered some books written by david deida that seemed interesting to me. now i will share some of his thoughts as well as my own.

on the first page deida clearly states that his books are for men and women who enjoy tangled bodies, open hearts and enlightened minds. this is exactly what i am looking for. this book is clearly FOR ME!

Many of us have experienced "old-style" relationships based on roles of male control and female giving - even if not in our own lives, but in our parent's life we can see this relationship based on mutual dependency, when the man is dependent on the woman emotionally and sexually, while the woman is dependent on the material level.

Most of the people i know have found such relationships evil and wanted something different. Their willingness resulted in the complete opposite of dependence: complete independence - whether single or in a relationship. "Modern style" intimacies are based on independence and fairness. But these 50/50 relationships lack passion. It might feel like two buddies discussing, instead of passionately loving.

But these are not the only options! There is something beyond 50/50, what deida calls intimate communion. it can be experienced when two lovers surrender their boundaries and melt into a single body of passion, they are anything but "in control".

If you are willing to give your true gift and express your true desires, you can create perfect intimacy, moment by moment. This kind of intimacy is something you do, not something you have. It is an on-going practice of sexual union, emotional openness and spiritual trust. It is a practice of love. 

I would want a mature man

I would want a mature man
who knows his mind and knows his heart
who allows feelings whether they are positive or negative
who has boundaries, but is ready to diminish them, at least for me
who loves to travel the world and get to know new places

I would want a mature man
who is capable of commitment
who can show his feelings, even if it makes him vulnerable
who would never suppress his thought even if those hurt
who has his own values but is ready to open for new ideas

I would want a mature man
who can make tough decisions
who can dream and make all to achieve those
who has a mission, but who can admit if his goals cannot be achieved
who is strong and can take responsibility for what he did and what he didn't do

I would want a mature man
who can be pragmatic and who doesn't bullshit
who can give up when that's the best
who is courageous enough to take the risks
who can make decisions even when they are tough

I would want a mature man
who can be rational but also emotional
who has an artistic part and dares to live that
who sets his power to make his dreams come true
who exchanges his dreams for reality

I would want a mature man
who is closed to spirituality
who is ready to open his soul to me
who can accept my open heart and let me love him
who doesn't suppress his heart and opens to love

I would want a mature man
who gives me direction without any suppression
who accepts my love and diminishes my boundaries
who provides me safety but doesn't take my freedom
who makes me a goddess and reigns as a king

15-Jan-2015

It's been a month

It's been a month since we departed
It's been a month but you're still here with me
You're in my thoughts, and in my dreams
You rush in my mind and I can't help it
Our souls stay connected still

It's been a month that we were together
Two souls opened up in real intimacy
You touched my heart and you touched my soul
Such intense feeling I never experienced before
But I left and you went back to where you belong

It's been a month and I wish to see you again
I wanna see your smile and look in your eyes
I miss the way I felt and opened up myself
I told you things from the depth of my heart
Even in the secret garden I let you walk

It's been a month and I want to forget
I know I shouldn't dream of your smile
I know you would never be mine
But nothing else could be more real
Than what our souls is connecting

It's been a month and I still feel you

I see your eyes look into mine
And I feel you hugging me strong and tight
But this is not mere imagination
It can be as strong as physical sensation

It's been a month and I am going crazy
There are two parts fighting in me
I want to forget you and your smile
While I have such a unique feeling inside
I know you are not part of my reality

It's been a month and I am burning inside

I should think of other man who can be real

I wanna settle my life and get married

But between a dull relation and a real connection

I rather choose to live in my imagination

dreams, dreams, dreams

Dreams of you keep coming back
Although I try to keep you out of my head
Still you often rush in my mind
As an unexpected guest at night

You live your life and I live mine
And those cross only once in a while
Our realities couldn't be any further
A ring and hundreds of thousand miles

Your life is grounded, unlike mine
Thoughts of me only spice up your life
And only when you lie besides your wife

I still cherish the time when you were mine
But my part is to forget and focus on my real life
of which you have no permanent part

I need to find my roots, I cannot water dreams
That way the plant I want, would never raise
Dreaming of you, what I want could never reach
It might sound pragmatic - sorry, that is

But I just need to be present in my real life
So I try not to think of you and your smile
But still you keep coming back
How could I get back on track?

13-Jan-2015

The test of life

I heard a message stating that if you want to find your perfect match, you have to pass the test of life, the same way as Tamino needs to pass several tests until he wins Pamina in the Magic flute.

Then a series of questions raised in my head: Is it really true? Is there any perfect match? Do you need to pass any test to meet your special someone? I am not sure. For me the concept seems absurd. That you can only be complete with another person. It’s evil.  

I see that many people expect a perfect match to save their lives. People expect to find the way back to Paradise by finding that special someone who perfectly matches them. Little girls look for a father who protects them, and men search for women whom they can save – as they had to (or wanted to) save their mothers.

It feels like there are little children playing that matching game. There are small semicircles all around the globe, all in different sizes and colours, and they are looking for their other halves, the one that would match perfectly, both in size and color. People try on the first semicircle and after a while they realize that they do not match at all, so they set off and look for another one who might match better. A new try, and a new disappointment. And after a while they accept what comes into life, they need to satisfy with a compromise, as they didn’t encounter that truly perfect match.

The myth of the androgüns tells the same, although I never felt any truth in it. People were originally created by the gods with two heads, four hands and four legs, they had both male and female sexual organs. These people had extraordinary power and lived a happy life. That’s why the gods started to envy them, and they decided to cut people’s power. So the gods cut the androgüns in half, and since then there are men and women on the face of Earth. Ever since then people are depressed as they feel that something is missing. They search for their other halves, hoping that they will find the lost Paradise.

But this is simply nonsense. You cannot expect someone to bring you back to Paradise. Sorry to break the news: there is no single person who could save you. After the floods we are all floating on the sea of life, everyone tries to survive. Everyone has a single lifebelt, each of us has only one. In such circumstances how could one expect that another shipwrecked person would save him?

The Savior is not to be found without, it can only be found within. You need to realize that no one can ever save you, except for yourself. It is only yourself who can save you.

Paradise cannot be found without, it can only be found within. We can find the way back to Paradise, to ourselves, via accepting the shadow and the complexes and taking the responsibility for ourselves and our actions, and also our non-actions. If we do that, then we are capable of real love (not depending on the other, which is rather need than love, still universally called as love). And if we are capable of love, we are capable of a real connection, an intimate relation with another human being.

If we know ourselves we can get connected with similar souls. But when we play roles and only follow the rules, then we don't even know ourselves either, how could we recognize if someone is similar to us?

In the Jungian approach, first you need to start to walk the path of individuation and then you may feel real love. You may find someone to love earlier, but then it is not love, that sensation is only an illusion. It is only your inner projection. Later you realize that you don’t even know the person you’re with, and then it ends up being a power game. After a while you feel that you were cheated. You were expecting for the special someone to carry your weight, to take responsibility for you and your actions, to make you happy, to bring you back to Paradise... all of which is a hidden objective of the little child inside, who lost the unison with universe and the mother, was lost and alone, and now seeks the same kind of Paradise as he lived in the womb of the mother.

But if you start the individuation process, you start to accept yourself in your uniqueness, you may experience real encounters, and your life will be open for real love. If it is a test of life, fine. In my understanding, this is life. What others do, who don't start this road, remain children and will never grow up...

We form our relationships based on the first relationship we had with human beings, i.e. the relationship towards our mother and father. The patterns of this original relationship are so much imprinted in our minds, that we repeat the same rules and those decide on our choice of relationships and their nature. Without us being aware of them. As a matter of fact, we tend to live our past over and over again. The same patterns appear, one relationship after the other, the same actions and reactions as we did with our mothers and fathers.

If you want to live in a healthy relationship, you need to grow up and accept that there are such irrational motives in all your relationships. You cannot really change on that. But it’s your choice whether you are aware of these hidden objectives, and whether you let them lead your life, or you decide to lead your own life, in your own way, instead of repeating the same patterns you always did, repeating the relationship that you had with your mother or your father.

It is your life and it is your decision whether you want to be an adult or a child.

It is very much necessary to have an honest look into the mirror before we could start to prepare for a relationship. Without understanding ourselves, there is no possibilty of a real commitment based on real intimacy.

The quality of our relationships depends on the way we feel in our own skin. The best and most we can do for all our acquaintance, is to acknowledge the relationship we have towards ourselves, and then we can give our best self in our relationships.

When the relationship is not stimulated by ever renewing needs, but there is a true care for the other person, then we are truly free to experience the other’s unique self. Then we take on the journey to experience the centre of that person. By digging towards the centre to truly experience the other’s true self, we open up and we truly encounter. In such a relationship one can experience real love.

When only surfaces scratch each other, it is only acquaintance, there is no connection, even if decades were lived together. There will be no love between two periferies. Love can be experienced only in the depth of the soul, when two souls encounter in the silence, where no words are needed to understand each other.

When we walk our own lives, and we allow our spouse to follow his own mission, and support him doing that, when you accept whatever his decision is, then we truly care about him and respect him. 

This can be called love – in its truest sense. 

a glimpse to real intimacy

for years i have been looking for a real connection
a mixture of physical and emotional attraction
a connection spiced up with similar wavelength
and common transcendental experience

although i was longing for real intimacy

i couldn't help but still kept my privacy

kept my protecting walls towards most men

and opened up only to some specimen

i always felt that something was missing

or simply i was the one missing

the father wound made me escape

you cant make me sit in a cage 

then coincidence brought an extraordinary collusion

when i met you in this earthly dimension

the walls i tried to keep, disappeared

a look in your eyes made me feel complete 

honest talks, open communication

sharing even the spiritual dimension 

appreciation of each others' unique gear
this is pure, it couldn't be more real 

i experienced a unique connection

but will never base an intimate relation

a real connection which is so rare

but i hope life will still spare 

i may cry, but only once in a while
then it makes me feel that i am alive
i know you exist, even if not for me
you gave only a glimpse of intimacy 

i only hope that life will be good
and such connection is not too unique
happens not only once in a lifetime
and when i experience it the next time
it will base a relationship that lasts a lifetime 

Without title

I keep myself busy, but when I do rest
You're a frequent visitor in my head
Vivid thoughts are rushing to the time
When you were all only but mine

There is no need to connect via the net
When there is a more sophisticated web
Such deep connection is always there
No need to talk, it will always be there

25-Dec-2014
 

Cím nélkül

Magamba folytom bánatom
Ha szívem neked megnyitom
Ne félj, veled mindenem megosztom
Hogy te ezt tedd, én nem varoom

Boldogságom, bosszúságom
Örömöm és bánatom
Váltakoznak folyton
Mint vonatok a peronon

2014.nov.3.

"There were no two hearts so open"

"There were no two hearts so open 

No feelings so in unison"

‎Just like in Persuasion

It was all mere perfection 

‎A mixture of all that is good 

The deepest edges of all that was spoken
The tenderness of every touch
The joyous moments of making love

‎Every time I looked in your eye

I touched your soul, and you touched mine 

We were all along connected 

But now I see the reason why

One look is enough

And I know you feel the same 

You understand what I say 

And even what I don't say

I opened my heart to you 

there were no more walls

‎I told you things from the depth of my soul 

I guess, no one could get any closer

‎You touched my soul 

and you touched my heart 

Few exchange of hugs

But this is all that we've got

A note brought me back to reality
Dreams are just pure vanity
You live your life and I live mine
And those cross only once in a while

But there is a different dimension
Where our souls get in connection
And that is not a mere illusion
But a real, long lasting collusion

Elvágyódás

A hold az egyetlen jóbarátom
S én a végső egyesülést várom
Mi értelme így a létezésnek?
Mit mondhatok életem értelmének?

Ne legyél a lelki társam, barátom
Én egy valós, igazi társra vágyom
De azt nem adja nekem meg az ég
Engedjük el az élet kerekét!

Testem forró habokban áztatom
Gyötrő fájdalmam vállalom:
Végleg elmerülni vágyom.
Hát, érjen véget ez az álom!

De nem lehet, nem lehet ennyi az élet!
Annyi mindent kell élni még meg!
Vágyaim sorra valóra váltom
Sorra kerüljön ez is, csak azt várom

Félő, mit teszek, ha ez egy lesz kivétel
Még az életem dobom el...
A reménynek épp ezért élnie kell
Egy pillanatra sem veszíthetem el 

függetlenség vs párkapcsolat???

Sokáig azt hittem,h választanom kell a függetlenség és a párkapcsolat között. Csak mostanság jöttem rá,h ennél távolabb nem is lehettem volna az igazságtól.

A kettő nem egymást kizáró tényező. A döntés nem feltétlenül vagy-vagy, hanem a kettő egymás mellett nagyon szépen megélő tényező. Sőt. Valódi kapcsolat csakis két független emberi lény között jöhet létre.

Egy párkapcsolatért nem kell feladnod a függetlenséged. Onnantól,h együtt vagy valakivel, nem szűnik meg az "én" és a "te", vagy legalábbis nem lenne szabad, hogy ez megtörténjen, bár elég sokszor látjuk azt, h teljes mértékig felváltja a "mi" az egyesszámú személyes névmásokat, és azok teljesen kihalnak a "kedvesek" szótárából. Pedig ez annyira helytelen. Nem szabad teljes mértékig feladnod saját valódat.

Egy párkapcsolatban megjelenik egy új minőség, de nem felváltja, hanem kiegészíti, beteljesíti a korábban meglévőket. Megmarad az "én" és a "te", s emellett a "mi" is szerepet kap. Viszont ha nem tartom meg az egészséges független valómat, beáldozom saját magamat, háttérbe szorítom a barátaim, a hobbijaim, lemondok a saját vágyaimról, akkor oly mértékig csorbul az "én", hogy már a "mi"-ben sem képes igazán részt venni. Valódi kapcsolat csak úgy alakulhat ki, ha továbbra is időt, figyelmet és energiát tudok fordítani azon dolgokra, melyek SZÁMOMRA fontosak, s abból energiát gyűjtök, hogy a "mi"-ben is megfelelően tudjak működni. Amennyiben az "én"-re nem szánok kellő figyelmet, elfolyik az energiám, és a párom idővel hiányolni fogja azt, hiszen nem tudok számára, számunkra annyit nyújtani, mint korábban.

A harmóniához nemcsak h hozzátartozik, de elengedhetetlen az,h időt és energiát szánok magamra, a barátaimra és a páromra. S e három kiegyenlíti egymást.

Csak úgy tudok megvalósítani egy valódi kapcsolatot egy másik emberi lénnyel, ha én is az vagyok. Ha feladom magam és próbálok a másik képzelt v valós elvárásainak megfelelni, az már nem én vagyok. Csak egy álca a saját személyiségem előtt, egy maszk, melyet azért viselek,h a másik szeressen, elfogadjon engem - miközben nem is a valós énem mutatom.

Amit én a párkapcsolattal azonosítottam, tekintve a társadalmunkban látható sok-sok mintát, kezdve a családunkban számomra mutatott példákkal, az párkapcsolati függőség. Ám a kettő közé egyenlőség-jelet nem lehet és nem szabad tenni.

Ahhoz,h egészséges párkapcsolatban élj, meg kell őrizned a független valódat, és úgy kell igazi, mély kapcsolatot kialakítanod egy másik független emberi lénnyel. Két ilyen, felnőtt ember képes valódi kapcsolatot létrehozni. Mikor egymásba kapaszkodunk, ragaszkodunk a másikhoz, önbizalmunkat a másik megbecsülésétől, szeretetétől tesszük függővé, akkor nem vagyunk mások, mint gyermekek. És a kapcsolataink sem lehetnek mások, mint gyermekiek; a benne részt vevők életkorától függetlenül nem lesznek igazi, felnőtt kapcsolatok.

on a healthy relationship

I do my thing and you do your thing.
I am not in this world to live up to your expectations,
And you are not in this world to live up to mine.
You are you, and I am I,
and if by chance we find each other, it's beautiful.
If not, it can't be helped.

- Fritz Perls

Sok bennem a kétely, és kevés a bizalom

Sok bennem a kétely,

és kevés a bizalom

Fájdalmas múlt terhe nyomja lelkemet

Magas falat kell ledöntenie annak,

Ki a lelkem mélyét elérni akarja

Lehet, hogy hosszú utat kell megjárnod

Mire elnyered a bizalmam. 

De hidd el, megéri a küzdelmet. 

Ha számodra megnyitottam a szívemet,

Vigyázz rá, és ne csapj be. 

Nem kérek sokat. 

Csak annyit, hogy szeress, 

és hagyd, hogy szerethesselek.

--------------------------------------------

My heart is full of doubt,
and there is little confidence
Sorrowful past shadows my soul

The one who wants to reach the well of my soul,
Needs to pull down a high wall,
You may have a long way to crowl
Until you may gain my trust
But believe me, it's worth the fight.

If I opened my heart to you,
Take care of it, and do not deceive.
I'm not asking too much.
All you have to do is to love me,
and let me love you.

Engem senki sem szerethet...

Apám annyiszor ígérte nekem

Mégsem tudta teljesíteni egyetlen kérésem.

Csak a poharat tegye le! 

Azt az italt ne igya meg!

De az én kérésem, mintha meg se hallotta volna,

Újra és újra nyúlt a pohár után, 

Míg meg sem ismert már engemet...

Ő engem sosem szeretett

Azóta tudom,

hogy egyik férfiban sem bízhatom

Bármit is mondhat, minden csak hazugság!

Hiába mondja, nem szeret! 

Hogy is szerethetne engem?

Engem senki sem szerethet... 

-----------------------------------------------

My father promised me so many times
But was never able to complete a single request.
Just put down the glass!
Don't take another sip!


But my request, he did not seem to hear,
Again and again reached for the cup

One after the other

Since then, I know,
Men are not to be trusted

Whatever they say, it's all a lie!
Despite all the talk, he does not love me!
How on Earth could one love me?
If my father was not able to... 
No one can really love me ...

nyitott kézzel szeretni

"„Egy könyörületes személy, látva hogyan küszködik egy pillangó, hogy kiszabadítsa magát a bábból, segíteni akart neki. Nagyon gyengéden kitágította a szálakat, kialakítva egy kijáratot. A pillangó kiszabadult, kibújt a bábból, bizonytalanul bukdácsolt, de nem tudott repülni. Valamit ez a könyörületes személy nem tudott, és ez az, hogy csak a megszületés, kibújás küszködésén keresztül tudnak annyira megerősödni a szárnyak, hogy repülni lehessen velük. Megrövidített életét a földön töltötte, sose ismerte meg a szabadságot, sose élt igazán.”

Én úgy mondom, nyitott kézzel szeretni. Ez olyan tapasztalat, ami lassan ért meg bennem, a fájdalom tüzében és a türelem vizében kovácsolódva. Azt tapasztalom, hogy muszáj felszabadítanom azt akit szeretek, mivel ha rákulcsolódok, rácsimpaszkodom, vagy megpróbálom irányítani, azt vesztem el, amit megtartani próbálok.

Ha én megpróbálok megváltoztatni valakit, akit szeretek, mivel úgy érzem, én tudom milyennek kellene lennie, akkor egy nagyon értékes jogától fosztom meg. A jogtól, hogy felelősséget vállaljon saját életéért, választásaiért, létformájáért.

Valahányszor ráerőltetem a kívánságomat, akaratomat, vagy megpróbálok hatalmat gyakorolni felette, megfosztom a fejlődés, az érés lehetőségétől, a birtoklási vágyammal korlátozom, keresztezem, és teljesen mindegy milyen jó szándékkal tettem ezt.

Korlátozni és ártani tudok a legkedvesebb óvó cselekvésemmel, és védésem, túlzott figyelmem szavaknál ékesszólóbban tudja mondani a másik személynek: „Te képtelen vagy vigyázni magadra, nekem kell veled törődnöm, vigyáznom rád, mert Te az enyém vagy, én vagyok érted a felelős!”

Ahogy tanulom és gyakorlom, egyre inkább azt tudom mondani annak, akit szeretek:

„Szeretlek téged, értékellek téged, tisztellek, bízom benned, és bízom abban, hogy birtokában vagy, illetve ki tudsz fejleszteni magadban olyan erőt, képességeket, hogy mindazzá válj, ami lehetséges számodra, ha én nem állok az utadban. Annyira szeretlek, hogy teljesen felszabadítalak, hogy egymás mellett sétáljunk örömben, bánatban. Együtt fogok veled érezni ha sírsz, de nem foglak kérni hogy ne sírj.

Törődni fogok a szükségleteiddel, támogatni foglak, de nem tartalak vissza, amikor egyedül tudsz menni.

Mindig készen fogok állni, hogy veled legyek a bánatodban, magányodban, de nem fogom azt elvenni tőled.

Igyekezni fogok, hogy figyeljek szavaidra, azok jelentésére, de nem ígérem, hogy mindig egyet fogok veled érteni.

Néha dühös leszek, és olyankor ezt olyan nyíltan fogom neked megmondani, hogy ne kelljen különbözőségeink miatt elutasítást, vagy elidegenedést éreznem.

Nem tudok mindig veled lenni, nem hallom meg mindig amit mondasz, mert van, amikor magamra kell figyeljek, magammal kell törődjek, de ilyenkor is olyan őszinte leszek veled, amennyire csak tudok.”

Tanulom, hogy ki tudjam ezt fejezni azoknak, akiket szeretek, akikkel törődök. Akár szavakkal, akár azzal, ahogy létezem másokkal és magammal. Én ezt úgy hívom, hogy nyitott kézzel szeretni. Nem vagyok képes mindig távol tartani a kezem a bábtól, de már egyre jobban megy."

You will find all your treasures

All your dreams will come true.
You will find all your treasures.
Just need to be patient.
And maybe need to fight for a while.
But you will get all you want.

The right job.
The right flat.
The right woman.
The right church and the harp.

You will get it all.
In the right time.
In the right place.

There are things that are out of your control.
And you cannot do anything about it.
You either accept it or you suffer.

We have no other feasible option than accept the current situation.
And prepare ourselves for the expected change.
Once we are ready for that, the universe starts to manifest our dreams.

Once you accept your current position, you get the job you wanted.
Once you accept who you are and where you are, things start to change around you.
Once you are ready for the mature relationship you longed for, you meet your soulmate.
Once that reunion took place, the universe conspires to assist you, to make things happen step by step.

Until dreams become reality.

even a scratch has huge impact on both particles' path

Last week I had a chance to visit CERN and participated on a three-hour-guided tour. I am not at all particle physicist, therefore many things were like chinese for me. They accelerate the particles, generate collusion between them and analyze how they behave...

I was exhausted by the demanding week, so did not capture things in detail, but still part of the explanations captured my attention and somehow I connected with my life, my experience.

Two beams both consisting of a million particles are sent from opposite directions and only c twenty collusions happen. So there is only a little chance that a little particle would collude with another one. Oftentimes two particles' collusion means only a scratch. Still they have an impact on each other's path, and both particles differ from their original direction. The exact same thing happens on the larger scale. We each of us compound of millions of particles; we human beings are small particles in the universe.

Certain people may come into your life and be present only for a short period, still may have an enormous effect on your life. It is not the length of time you spend together that makes an encounter important. You may meet up in a bar, talk for 5min only, still click on each other and have a deep conversation, touching certain points that are important for you. A single encounter may even change your life 180.

But only those who are willing and are open enough can be an instrument of the universe in that sense. If you allow the information flow through yourself, you provide the information that the other person needs and if you keep your eyes wide open, you will realize the message that is provided to you. Each and every encounter lasts for a reason or a season or a lifetime. In certain cases messages are exchanged in five minutes, and people leave with the same speed as they approached your life. Whereas other people may surround us every day but fall short to deliver a message.

Sometimes its hard to let go people who became very closed friends in a short period of time. But this is the most normal thing in life. People come and people go. They bring a message to you and once it is delivered, they leave. You cannot do anything else than accept it. Well, sure you may cling on them and end up suffering. Both. the one who wishes to leave and the one who clings also. It is your decision whether you let go or suffer.

If you open your heart, love opens your mind

“Everything is made of light; everything is alive. The Great Mystery of life has little to do with intelligence. The universe is not an intellectual process. The intellect is helpful; but our hearts are the wiser part of ourselves.”

-- Mellen-Thomas Benedict

Heart is a word that refers to many different levels of our being. Essentially, it is the love aspect of soul, capable of making direct, intuitive contact. Soul love is not emotional; it is highly impersonal and intelligent, capable of grasping the essence of someone or something without any projection on our part.

Appreciation significantly turns on the heart. Appreciation is not an emotion that arises spontaneously, but a soul quality we can choose. The more often we choose to be appreciative, the easier this choice becomes and the more frequently our heart opens to give and receive love.

“If you open your heart, love opens your mind.”

-- Charles John Quarto

reflections on soulmates

When I was a child i deeply believed that somewhere my soulmate does exist. No one really understood me, my depth was covered and suppressed for long as those around me just did not understand me, didn’t grasp my being. It was a kinda relief for me to believe that somewhere on this globe a soul exists very similar to mine, who would understand me without words, who thinks the same way and has the same dreams. I didn’t know it is called soulmate, i just had this strong belief that there is someone deeply connected to me, who does understand my entire being.

Then I grew older, and started to face the reality. I was happy if i met people who understood a fraction of my soul. I started to loose these dillusional ideas that my whole being could be understood by a single person, so I rather gathered friends who understood a part of me. And it already seemed to be a miracle that a part of me is understood. Having had this experience i decided not to believe in fairy tales anymore. I accepted that i just need to stick to what comes into my life. If there is a sorta mutual understanding about life, and not just superficial similarities, thats already a good enough omen for a relationship - i thought.

When i have long given up the search (which was not a real search as i avoided relationships for a long while), I met my soulmate. Or at least this is how I feel, what I started to believe in. I might be mistaken, it might be only my mind putting this label on it, but there i definitely feel a deep connection and he’s really important to me. I can trust on him the deepest doubts i have and this feeling came from nowhere. He understands me on a deep level with amazing similarities in perspective, dreams, likes, past experience, etc.

So in order to figure out whether my inner was right or not (well, my inner never mislead me only my mind did), I started to read after the concept of soulmates. I wanted to gather some information, to understand what it is. So I share below the most interesting thoughts on this subject.

Whether it is a love relationship or a platonic friendship some connections feel deeper than others, like they have been there forever. You may feel it as if you "click" and other times it is like you've known one another your entire lives.

A soulmate is someone that you have encountered in many different lifetimes and have loved many times. That is why the first time you meet them in this lifetime you feel as if you have known them forever before you even knew their name. There is a mystical deja vue energy right from the start.

A soulmate is a person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.

There were some philosophies touching the concept of soulmates also. Plato claimed that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.
Similarly theosophy introduced the concept of androgynous souls – which included two parts; a feminin and a masculin. Later on these souls were split into genders and these split souls keep on looking for their „other halves”.

I don't like that they propose that people cannot be whole on their own. This concept is evil, that you can be whole only with another person. You have to be whole on your own. There is no guarantee you would find your soulmate in this lifetime and that you would live your entire lives together happily ever after. Thats absurd. You need to find yourself and be yourself! If you want to find your soulmate that is where you can start. and you may go look for your soulmate only then. When you are deeply involved in role-play, not even knowing who you really are, how could another person grasp your soul? How could you yourself find out who the other soul is behind the mascs, when you are busy playing the same old roles that you’ve been wearing over years? (and got used to wearing them so much that you dont even realize their existence...)

So you need to start by finding yourself. Give yourself. Be true to your own soul. If you give yourself then your chances are higher that your soulmate will realize you and you him.

If you're expecting your soulmate to be love at first sight, you might never find what you're looking for. First you may experience a deep friendship "only", that you are connected on a deep level, as you were not connected with anyone before. He understands you better than anyone ever did. Similarities are so obvious and sometimes even scary. You just don’t believe someone so similar to you can exist. Seems surreal. But it is still real.

A soulmate isn't always a lifemate. Your soulmate will color your world no matter how old you are when that reunion happens. Contrary to what popular media would have you believe, meeting your soulmate doesn't guarantee "happily ever after." Things won't get easier when you find that special someone and in fact, they might get even harder. Ultimately, a soulmate is someone you can grow with, and the only way to grow together is to face challenges together. So if you put your heart and soul into a relationship, stick with it through the ups and downs, even when you question whether it's meant to be, and you might look back decades later and realize that you were with your soulmate all along.

Even if you realized that you met your soulmate, you need to keep in mind that it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will spend the rest of your lives together. Just knowing that you met your soulmate already provides contentment, on a deep level. It doesn't need to materialize in form of a love relationship at all. and many times it just doesnt. People can be oblevient and busy playing their roles and just do not realize what they met.

So you should be prepared for disappointment. That you realized the strong connection between your souls, does not mean anything.
It may turn out to be a deep friendship, and not necessarily a long lasting one. It may even be a short acquantainance only, that you will never forget. He may be a master for you, but not the love of your life.
Maybe he just came into your life to support you in a tough period and to show you the feeling of agapé. And that is already a miracle. If nothing more comes out of the encounter, that was already worth meeting him.

In such cases it is really hard not to build expectations of an ever-lasting love relationship and mutual development and all you dreamt of. Just try to be in the present. Grasp what you get and do not think about what else could be. I know it is tough. That is what brought me disappointment also. The mind likes to put together cards and build high castles from all the various expectations that are not real. And when the first blow comes, the castle is completely destroyed. You think you were cheated. But it was only your own mind that generated disappointment for you. The foundation was real - the feeling of a deep connection – which does exist in the present. Whereas all the expectations are related to the future – thus illusion.

You may never know what the future brings. Just be content for what is now. Only to know that he does exist is enough. If you will ever meet him again, and if you do, what this relationship will bring, only time knows.

Just be in the present, enjoy the here and now. And always give yourself, no matter what. Let the universe sort things out for you. It will turn out the way it is best for all involved.