nyitott kézzel szeretni

"„Egy könyörületes személy, látva hogyan küszködik egy pillangó, hogy kiszabadítsa magát a bábból, segíteni akart neki. Nagyon gyengéden kitágította a szálakat, kialakítva egy kijáratot. A pillangó kiszabadult, kibújt a bábból, bizonytalanul bukdácsolt, de nem tudott repülni. Valamit ez a könyörületes személy nem tudott, és ez az, hogy csak a megszületés, kibújás küszködésén keresztül tudnak annyira megerősödni a szárnyak, hogy repülni lehessen velük. Megrövidített életét a földön töltötte, sose ismerte meg a szabadságot, sose élt igazán.”

Én úgy mondom, nyitott kézzel szeretni. Ez olyan tapasztalat, ami lassan ért meg bennem, a fájdalom tüzében és a türelem vizében kovácsolódva. Azt tapasztalom, hogy muszáj felszabadítanom azt akit szeretek, mivel ha rákulcsolódok, rácsimpaszkodom, vagy megpróbálom irányítani, azt vesztem el, amit megtartani próbálok.

Ha én megpróbálok megváltoztatni valakit, akit szeretek, mivel úgy érzem, én tudom milyennek kellene lennie, akkor egy nagyon értékes jogától fosztom meg. A jogtól, hogy felelősséget vállaljon saját életéért, választásaiért, létformájáért.

Valahányszor ráerőltetem a kívánságomat, akaratomat, vagy megpróbálok hatalmat gyakorolni felette, megfosztom a fejlődés, az érés lehetőségétől, a birtoklási vágyammal korlátozom, keresztezem, és teljesen mindegy milyen jó szándékkal tettem ezt.

Korlátozni és ártani tudok a legkedvesebb óvó cselekvésemmel, és védésem, túlzott figyelmem szavaknál ékesszólóbban tudja mondani a másik személynek: „Te képtelen vagy vigyázni magadra, nekem kell veled törődnöm, vigyáznom rád, mert Te az enyém vagy, én vagyok érted a felelős!”

Ahogy tanulom és gyakorlom, egyre inkább azt tudom mondani annak, akit szeretek:

„Szeretlek téged, értékellek téged, tisztellek, bízom benned, és bízom abban, hogy birtokában vagy, illetve ki tudsz fejleszteni magadban olyan erőt, képességeket, hogy mindazzá válj, ami lehetséges számodra, ha én nem állok az utadban. Annyira szeretlek, hogy teljesen felszabadítalak, hogy egymás mellett sétáljunk örömben, bánatban. Együtt fogok veled érezni ha sírsz, de nem foglak kérni hogy ne sírj.

Törődni fogok a szükségleteiddel, támogatni foglak, de nem tartalak vissza, amikor egyedül tudsz menni.

Mindig készen fogok állni, hogy veled legyek a bánatodban, magányodban, de nem fogom azt elvenni tőled.

Igyekezni fogok, hogy figyeljek szavaidra, azok jelentésére, de nem ígérem, hogy mindig egyet fogok veled érteni.

Néha dühös leszek, és olyankor ezt olyan nyíltan fogom neked megmondani, hogy ne kelljen különbözőségeink miatt elutasítást, vagy elidegenedést éreznem.

Nem tudok mindig veled lenni, nem hallom meg mindig amit mondasz, mert van, amikor magamra kell figyeljek, magammal kell törődjek, de ilyenkor is olyan őszinte leszek veled, amennyire csak tudok.”

Tanulom, hogy ki tudjam ezt fejezni azoknak, akiket szeretek, akikkel törődök. Akár szavakkal, akár azzal, ahogy létezem másokkal és magammal. Én ezt úgy hívom, hogy nyitott kézzel szeretni. Nem vagyok képes mindig távol tartani a kezem a bábtól, de már egyre jobban megy."

You will find all your treasures

All your dreams will come true.
You will find all your treasures.
Just need to be patient.
And maybe need to fight for a while.
But you will get all you want.

The right job.
The right flat.
The right woman.
The right church and the harp.

You will get it all.
In the right time.
In the right place.

There are things that are out of your control.
And you cannot do anything about it.
You either accept it or you suffer.

We have no other feasible option than accept the current situation.
And prepare ourselves for the expected change.
Once we are ready for that, the universe starts to manifest our dreams.

Once you accept your current position, you get the job you wanted.
Once you accept who you are and where you are, things start to change around you.
Once you are ready for the mature relationship you longed for, you meet your soulmate.
Once that reunion took place, the universe conspires to assist you, to make things happen step by step.

Until dreams become reality.

My heart is filled with fear
I found myself lost in the mountains
And a heavy fog arrived

How will I find my way back to where I do belong?
Im just standing hesitantly
Moving my weight from one leg to the other

Don't know where I am
I know where I want to be.
At the peak
But how will I get there?
Will I ever manage to get there?

Which path shall I take first?
Where should I put my feet?
Which way shall I start walking on?

Too many questions
And no one gives an answer
There is no one to comfort me
I am left alone
I feel lonelier than ever

Somebody please help me!!!
Hear my cry and come to help meeeee!!!
Pleeeaaasseeeee!!!

A lélek sötét éjszakája

Az elengedés annyit jelent, hogy a hátunk mögött hagyunk valamit, amit megszoktunk és elszakadunk megrögzött szokásainktól. Ez pedig félelemet vált ki. Az átalakulás fájdalommal jár. A fájdalom pedig energiát termel és mozgásra késztet.

Amikor eljutottam egy ilyen útelágazásig, akkor mindig egzisztenciális félelmekkel, testi tünetekkel és a magamra hagyatottság kétségbeejtő érzésével kellett megküzdenem. A régi megszokás már nem jelent kapaszkodót, de az újat még nem sajátítottuk el teljesen. Nem látjuk, merre vezet az út. Meg kell bíznunk önmagunkban, jobban, mint valaha. De az út végén erősebbek és magabiztosabbak leszünk, mint valaha.

A válság tetőpontján csak egyet tehetünk: felismerjük, hogy ki kell engedni a kezünkből az ellenőrzést és hagynunk kell, hogy az életünket a saját rendező erői alakítsák. Végre meg kell engednünk magunknak, hogy megérezzük, megtapasztaljuk és kifejezésre juttassuk mindazt, ami lejátszódik bennünk.

even a scratch has huge impact on both particles' path

Last week I had a chance to visit CERN and participated on a three-hour-guided tour. I am not at all particle physicist, therefore many things were like chinese for me. They accelerate the particles, generate collusion between them and analyze how they behave...

I was exhausted by the demanding week, so did not capture things in detail, but still part of the explanations captured my attention and somehow I connected with my life, my experience.

Two beams both consisting of a million particles are sent from opposite directions and only c twenty collusions happen. So there is only a little chance that a little particle would collude with another one. Oftentimes two particles' collusion means only a scratch. Still they have an impact on each other's path, and both particles differ from their original direction. The exact same thing happens on the larger scale. We each of us compound of millions of particles; we human beings are small particles in the universe.

Certain people may come into your life and be present only for a short period, still may have an enormous effect on your life. It is not the length of time you spend together that makes an encounter important. You may meet up in a bar, talk for 5min only, still click on each other and have a deep conversation, touching certain points that are important for you. A single encounter may even change your life 180.

But only those who are willing and are open enough can be an instrument of the universe in that sense. If you allow the information flow through yourself, you provide the information that the other person needs and if you keep your eyes wide open, you will realize the message that is provided to you. Each and every encounter lasts for a reason or a season or a lifetime. In certain cases messages are exchanged in five minutes, and people leave with the same speed as they approached your life. Whereas other people may surround us every day but fall short to deliver a message.

Sometimes its hard to let go people who became very closed friends in a short period of time. But this is the most normal thing in life. People come and people go. They bring a message to you and once it is delivered, they leave. You cannot do anything else than accept it. Well, sure you may cling on them and end up suffering. Both. the one who wishes to leave and the one who clings also. It is your decision whether you let go or suffer.

If you open your heart, love opens your mind

“Everything is made of light; everything is alive. The Great Mystery of life has little to do with intelligence. The universe is not an intellectual process. The intellect is helpful; but our hearts are the wiser part of ourselves.”

-- Mellen-Thomas Benedict

Heart is a word that refers to many different levels of our being. Essentially, it is the love aspect of soul, capable of making direct, intuitive contact. Soul love is not emotional; it is highly impersonal and intelligent, capable of grasping the essence of someone or something without any projection on our part.

Appreciation significantly turns on the heart. Appreciation is not an emotion that arises spontaneously, but a soul quality we can choose. The more often we choose to be appreciative, the easier this choice becomes and the more frequently our heart opens to give and receive love.

“If you open your heart, love opens your mind.”

-- Charles John Quarto

reflections on soulmates

When I was a child i deeply believed that somewhere my soulmate does exist. No one really understood me, my depth was covered and suppressed for long as those around me just did not understand me, didn’t grasp my being. It was a kinda relief for me to believe that somewhere on this globe a soul exists very similar to mine, who would understand me without words, who thinks the same way and has the same dreams. I didn’t know it is called soulmate, i just had this strong belief that there is someone deeply connected to me, who does understand my entire being.

Then I grew older, and started to face the reality. I was happy if i met people who understood a fraction of my soul. I started to loose these dillusional ideas that my whole being could be understood by a single person, so I rather gathered friends who understood a part of me. And it already seemed to be a miracle that a part of me is understood. Having had this experience i decided not to believe in fairy tales anymore. I accepted that i just need to stick to what comes into my life. If there is a sorta mutual understanding about life, and not just superficial similarities, thats already a good enough omen for a relationship - i thought.

When i have long given up the search (which was not a real search as i avoided relationships for a long while), I met my soulmate. Or at least this is how I feel, what I started to believe in. I might be mistaken, it might be only my mind putting this label on it, but there i definitely feel a deep connection and he’s really important to me. I can trust on him the deepest doubts i have and this feeling came from nowhere. He understands me on a deep level with amazing similarities in perspective, dreams, likes, past experience, etc.

So in order to figure out whether my inner was right or not (well, my inner never mislead me only my mind did), I started to read after the concept of soulmates. I wanted to gather some information, to understand what it is. So I share below the most interesting thoughts on this subject.

Whether it is a love relationship or a platonic friendship some connections feel deeper than others, like they have been there forever. You may feel it as if you "click" and other times it is like you've known one another your entire lives.

A soulmate is someone that you have encountered in many different lifetimes and have loved many times. That is why the first time you meet them in this lifetime you feel as if you have known them forever before you even knew their name. There is a mystical deja vue energy right from the start.

A soulmate is a person with whom you have an immediate connection the moment you meet -- a connection so strong that you are drawn to them in a way you have never experienced before. As this connection develops over time, you experience a love so deep, strong and complex, that you begin to doubt that you have ever truly loved anyone prior. Your soulmate understands and connects with you in every way and on every level, which brings a sense of peace, calmness and happiness when you are around them. And when you are not around them, you are all that much more aware of the harshness of life, and how bonding with another person in this way is the most significant and satisfying thing you will experience in your lifetime. You are also all that much aware of the beauty in life, because you have been given a great gift and will always be thankful.

There were some philosophies touching the concept of soulmates also. Plato claimed that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.
Similarly theosophy introduced the concept of androgynous souls – which included two parts; a feminin and a masculin. Later on these souls were split into genders and these split souls keep on looking for their „other halves”.

I don't like that they propose that people cannot be whole on their own. This concept is evil, that you can be whole only with another person. You have to be whole on your own. There is no guarantee you would find your soulmate in this lifetime and that you would live your entire lives together happily ever after. Thats absurd. You need to find yourself and be yourself! If you want to find your soulmate that is where you can start. and you may go look for your soulmate only then. When you are deeply involved in role-play, not even knowing who you really are, how could another person grasp your soul? How could you yourself find out who the other soul is behind the mascs, when you are busy playing the same old roles that you’ve been wearing over years? (and got used to wearing them so much that you dont even realize their existence...)

So you need to start by finding yourself. Give yourself. Be true to your own soul. If you give yourself then your chances are higher that your soulmate will realize you and you him.

If you're expecting your soulmate to be love at first sight, you might never find what you're looking for. First you may experience a deep friendship "only", that you are connected on a deep level, as you were not connected with anyone before. He understands you better than anyone ever did. Similarities are so obvious and sometimes even scary. You just don’t believe someone so similar to you can exist. Seems surreal. But it is still real.

A soulmate isn't always a lifemate. Your soulmate will color your world no matter how old you are when that reunion happens. Contrary to what popular media would have you believe, meeting your soulmate doesn't guarantee "happily ever after." Things won't get easier when you find that special someone and in fact, they might get even harder. Ultimately, a soulmate is someone you can grow with, and the only way to grow together is to face challenges together. So if you put your heart and soul into a relationship, stick with it through the ups and downs, even when you question whether it's meant to be, and you might look back decades later and realize that you were with your soulmate all along.

Even if you realized that you met your soulmate, you need to keep in mind that it doesn’t necessarily mean that you will spend the rest of your lives together. Just knowing that you met your soulmate already provides contentment, on a deep level. It doesn't need to materialize in form of a love relationship at all. and many times it just doesnt. People can be oblevient and busy playing their roles and just do not realize what they met.

So you should be prepared for disappointment. That you realized the strong connection between your souls, does not mean anything.
It may turn out to be a deep friendship, and not necessarily a long lasting one. It may even be a short acquantainance only, that you will never forget. He may be a master for you, but not the love of your life.
Maybe he just came into your life to support you in a tough period and to show you the feeling of agapé. And that is already a miracle. If nothing more comes out of the encounter, that was already worth meeting him.

In such cases it is really hard not to build expectations of an ever-lasting love relationship and mutual development and all you dreamt of. Just try to be in the present. Grasp what you get and do not think about what else could be. I know it is tough. That is what brought me disappointment also. The mind likes to put together cards and build high castles from all the various expectations that are not real. And when the first blow comes, the castle is completely destroyed. You think you were cheated. But it was only your own mind that generated disappointment for you. The foundation was real - the feeling of a deep connection – which does exist in the present. Whereas all the expectations are related to the future – thus illusion.

You may never know what the future brings. Just be content for what is now. Only to know that he does exist is enough. If you will ever meet him again, and if you do, what this relationship will bring, only time knows.

Just be in the present, enjoy the here and now. And always give yourself, no matter what. Let the universe sort things out for you. It will turn out the way it is best for all involved.