Grace and grit

Few months ago I started to feel that the environment I work in became toxic. I started to suffer, no longer enjoyed working with my good colleagues, and I got easier annoyed by the bad ones. I felt as if a stone were on my breast, I could hardly breath, my smile disappeared. Waking up in the morning and just thinking that I need to go to the office simply made me sick. I could no longer enjoy the simple things in life as I used to do. I could hardly smile and my face was not radiating love as before. Something went wrong, it was clear. And I wanted to change. I wanted out.

They say that in tough situations you have two options: stay and fight, or leave.

I usually have no problems with fighting. When I see that there is meaning in it, when I can make a difference, I would face handling tough people. But after three years it was just enough. I just grew tired of it, and wanted to leave. Leave everything behind. And I thought, whatever comes, I will take it, it can be only better. So I started applying to different places. Basically I applied everywhere. I didn't care, just out of here.

It was then that I was sent to support the migration response activities in Greece. In the three weeks, I managed to visit the field and attended a distribution. Later a thought hit me. In Hungarian the word "migrant" is routed in the word 'escape'. What I saw was an outside reflection of my inner.

I was escaping myself, too. Completely different circumstances, but nothing much different.

Violence can take so many forms, from aggressive communication to bombing. From physical to different levels of emotional abuse. The better life the migrants are searching is a safe place, where they can live in peace, and can raise their children safely. For me it is a different position where I am exposed to challenge and am respected.

Psychologists consider that when you escape, you do not take responsibility for your life, for yourself. Of course you don't perceive it as an escape and would intellectualize it, but still it can be considered as a childish behaviour. You think it will be better elsewhere, but you may not even think about it consciously. You look at it from one perspective only. You do not analyse the situation from various viewpoints.

Before going forward I need to point out that I don't want to judge the migrants, I couldn't be further from that. They just provided me a learning about myself, about my own escaping.

I know that I acted like a child. I wanted to go to Geneva. I simply had an image in my head. An image where Geneva was Paradise itself. An image where if I get that position, if I get to work there, I will be happy and satisfied, will be surrounded by good friends. I saw only the positives, but didn't see any negatives, my eyes were blindfolded.

Thinking that there I will find a position that will give me the regular challenge that I need. I didn't even think about the fact that it is even more toxic environment than where I am seated in my regular position. We have at least operations, and a complex one that I longed for all these years. We have great colleagues, too, who know what they do. While over there everything is about politics - that I hate. I didn't even consider whether I would like the projects that I would be involved in. When I thought about it in more depth, I had to realise that the position itself couldn't be further from what I want and what I need. Writing policies is not my thing. I can do that, but I like to be exposed to ad hoc requests, doing financial analysis, providing advice. And I am not sure that I would like the environment, the people I work with.

And then the purple fog disappeared.

I know that I acted like a child. I didn't think about options, didn't look at the big picture. I didn't take responsibility, just wanted to take the easy way out. Escaping from situations that are challenging, instead of learning from those, is a childish behaviour. And I am most grateful for being sent here, having seen this, and the possibility to learn about myself before it was too late, before I made a huge mistake.

Grace and grit. You need grit to follow what you have in your head. But there are certain situations when the best decision is to give up pursuing a dream that is not your path any more. In such cases it is not a failure to turn 180 degrees.

Égjen el a fájdalom

Összedől az életem, mint egy ódon várrom
Fáj a szívtér, mintha égne. Csak azt várom
Hamuvá égjen belőle minden fájdalom

Nem segít a családom, nem állnak mellettem
Senki sincs most velem, mintha inkább ellenem
Már nincs hitem az életben, ahogy magamban sem

2015. aug. 4.

walking in the cemetery

Thinking of all the hundreds who have drawn to sea

In hope of a better life, but never to see

Death found thousands under ruins of their home

Our lives may crumble before the dawn

I am grateful, thinking of those poor ones

For having been at my mother's side,

holding her hands in mine

Caressing her face as she breathed the last

Certain things are parished at their bloom

Leaving nothing, but an uncurable wound

I pray for those souls who were alone

To arrive at your lap at dawn

26-Apr-2015

(After the tragic accidents in the Mediterranean that took hundreds of lives)

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A temetôben sétálva

Azokra a százakra gondolok, akik vizbe fúltak

Miközben egy szebb jövő reményében indultak útnak

Ezreket a saját házuk romjai alatt ért a halál

Bármelyik pillanatban ránk is ránk talál

Miközben ôrájuk gondolok, igazán hálával teli a szívem

Mert én édesanyám mellett lehettem

Fogtam a kezét, és simogattam az arcát

Mig lélegzett és utoljára zihált

Bizonyos virágok rügyként porlanak el

S nem hagynak mást, mint gyógyíthatatlan sebet

Most azon lelkekért imádkozom, akik egyedül haltak el

A világítótoronyhoz

Események vihara körülötted tombol szüntelen

Haragos hullámok kiabálnak melletted

A tenger ereje még el is nyelhet

Pillanatnyi nyugalmat nem nyerhetsz

Egyedül kell állnod a sarat

Hiába vársz segítő támaszt

Szokd meg, te mindig egymagad állasz

S inkább te vagy, ki másokat támogat

Soha nem találtál megértő társat

Mások nem érthetik meg szívbéli vágyad

Felesleges próbálkozás, hogy azt magyarázzad

Így a magány állandó osztályrészed marad

Úgy tűnhet, minden nehézség téged választ

Hurrikán után tornádó szele nyomaszt

Míg mások az öbölben lazsálnak

Te egyedül minden viharral szembeszállasz

Másoknak fényt, reményt és támogatást adsz

Ez a világítótorony magányos feladata

De a távolban hasonló fények sokasága

Tudd meg, nem vagy egyedül soha

2015. május 24.

Régi képek nyomán

Anyukámból nem maradt más, csak a fényképek
Melyekből néhanapján emléket merítek
Szeméből sugárzott az élet, s a gondoskodó szeretet
Mi idővel a teljes közönynek adott teret

Pedig ő mindig élvezte az életet
Utazni nagyon szeretett
Csak apa mellett ritkán tehette meg
Talán ezt a vágyát élem én meg

Akiről tudott, gondoskodott
S mindenkit meghallgatott
Erről nekem jó példát mutatott
Feleségnek valóvá tanított

Állta az elnyomást
Magára ki sohasem állt
Gyerekként térdepelt a kukoricán
Majd (mint generációjában oly sokan) elnyomott feleséggé vált

Ancikám a társaságot mindig szerette
Cukrászda, Vacsora, mindezt élvezte
De apa őt kalitkába verte
Féltékenysége sehová se engedte

Munkában és otthon nyomta az igát
Míg az egészsége meg nem adta magát
Majd cseléd sorban állta a sarat
Diplomásként súrolta a falat

Míg mi otthon voltunk, volt miért
Még látta az élet értelmét
Amint öcsémmel kirepültünk
Szemében a láng kihűlt
Szépen-lassan a nyoma is eltűnt

Régi képein mintha magam látnám
Lelkiekben is hasonlítok rá ám
Hasonló sors várhat rám
De a tanulságot inkább levonnám
Hogy egy szép, boldog élet várjon rám

2015. március 22.

the power of the empty chair

In the last couple of weeks i heard of a psychodrama technique several times, and eventually managed to try it. I had an interesting experience, so I tend to talk about it basically to everyone. To spread the word, I decided to write about it also.

The technique is called the "empty chair", or at least the people I met with, referred to it like that. As i see, it is powerful in the process of letting go, whether it be after heartbreak, divorce or death of a beloved one.

It is really simple - ok, we learnt early on that the simplest things are the best and most effective. But still. 

Most people have unresolved issues with another person, whether it be parents, partners, children or colleagues. Of course i am not an exemption either. There are certain things that are deep inside me, and it would be best to share with a certain somebody, but for a reason or another i cannot. Or more precisely i don't want to share face to face. You may consider it a weakness. There might be fear involved in it, I accept. But i also note that there are certain thoughts and emotions that do not need to be shared with the other person. Those are all about myself, and i need to overcome those by myself, not necessarily involving the person those thoughts or emotions relate to. 

Well. Firstly, think of a person you would like to contact on an intimate level, but somehow it simply does not work - because of either parties, it doesn't really matter. You may have never expressed your anger towards your abusive mother, because it's something you cannot afford as you supposed to be a good girl, but it is still frustrating you after 20 years, and it's burning inside you, willing to exploit. So in your own sake, you should and now already want to express it. But on the other hand, you cannot talk with her, as your mother died long ago. Are you in the middle of divorce, and you simply cannot reach out to the person you shared your life with? He became deaf, and misunderstands every expression, and feels attacked by you even if you express your own feelings? 

Well, these are perfect situations when this technique can work. 

Setting is really basic. You take two chairs, in a distance that feels comfortable for you. You sit down in one of them. Opposite to you remains the empty chair. And you imagine the person you want to talk to, sitting in the other chair. You may ask a friend who reminds you of him on an energetic level, but it is not necessary. You may just keep this conversation for yourself, and you can talk to the empty chair.  

Your single task is to talk. As if the person would be sitting just opposite to you. You can tell anything that you want, anything that you cannot tell in person. You may start with your thoughts, and if you go into details you may reach the emotional level. If your tears start pouring, don't be surprised. Tell everything that is within you. If you feel there is nothing more, stay still in your place for a couple of minutes, there might be further thoughts coming. 

Once you finished, you may stand up and directly sit in the other chair, which was occupied by the imagined person, that you were talking to. And as if you were that person, start replying back to yourself. You may be surprised by the reply that is coming out of your own mouth. 

But even if you skip this part, your heart might feel released. 

Whenever you cannot really contact with your beloved ones, this technique might help you release your emotions, and maybe even understand the other person's perspective. Good luck with practicing. 

Extracts from David Deida's Dear lover

Again some thoughts from David Deida. Read for women only.

Extracts from the book Dear lover - a woman's guide to men, sex, and love's deepest bliss

You are alive as love, and your entire body yearns to open as love. Your heart wants nothing more than to live open as love, to give yourself totally as love - and to be seen as the love that you are.
The secret to unfolding your heart's deepest bliss is to give and receive love fully, with or without a man.
And it is this disposition of openhearted radiance that will gift the world as well as attract and keep a man capable of actually meeting your heart's deepest desire.

You are love. Your love shines as light, so you want to be seen.

A man who could be fully present with you - a man whose consciousness was deep and clear because he was living his true purpose and his passionate heart was unencumbered by fear and ambiguity - such a man wants equally unambiguous surrender offered through your yearning body and heart. He wants your love offered as an open invitation with full energy through your entire body. Your man wants to see love shining in your face. You want your man to truly see you, deeply feel you and know you, utterly.

When a man feels you, he feels your shells. In your face, he sees the strain of long hours or years of holding your life together while your deepest heart would rather have surrendered open in ecstatic trust. In your gait, he feels the stress of un-offered bodily devotion, while your deep heart would rather have been a slave to love, commanded open by love's torrential flow, undulated by love's boundless pleasure. Around your heart, he senses the "do not trespass" warning, and so he holds himself back from entering your life deeply.

Few men are capable of entering a woman's heart and opening her body to God's bliss, but few women are capable of offering their heart and body to be claimed open in this way.

Fear - the refusal to open as love - is the only reason your sexual life and relationship are less than God-blissful.

Most men can't meet you fully. So, though your heart and body yearn to be ravished by real love, you bury your heart's longing under a life of busyness, family, friends, and distractions.
Just as you have chosen to guard your heart for fear of being hurt, the man you attract will have chosen to claim life more shallowly than his true depth.
Your relationship won't work because his freedom is false and your love is hidden; you are both afraid.
A commitment to love requires opening beyond these fears.
You can practice keeping your heart open for the sake of love's fullness, even when your man hurts you, even when you are alone, even when the pain and yearning in your heart feel overwhelming.
To live with an open heart and body moved by love is your only option if you want to fulfill your deepest desire - to receive and give love's most full bliss - with or without a man.

Love is the only way to live that won't leave your feminine heart feeling unseen, ungiven, empty, and wanting - no matter how successful your professional life may be.

When a man feels you, he no longer feels your deep gifts of love, but your shells. He feels your desire for independence and your desire to be wanted. He feels your push and your pull. He feels moments when your heart surrenders to be taken, and moments when your protection shields your heart from being hurt. He is probably as confused about his deepest purpose as you are about your deepest desire for love. SO, instead of persisting in committed loving, peeling away layer after layer of your resistance, lovingly claiming your true sexual essence so you can offer your open heart as a divine gift - instead, he casually enjoys what he can and moves on to a less complicated woman; you appear to be quite attached to your independence, anyway.

As successful as you may be in your life, you long to merge with a man who can take you open beyond your shells by his deep and authentic claim, his gentle but persistent command - the dangerous demand of a man who will not settle for anything less than your total heart-giving.

If you are offering your heart's deepest yearning, then you will attract and inspire a man's deepest presence, right now.

Even though your man may truly love you and want to spend his life with you, he can often find your emotional flow meaningless and taxing, since your ever-changing energy is so foreign to the freedom of release he seeks: the "final" or changeless consciousness and peace that feels most "home" to his masculine essence.
He may be afraid to commit to you because he fears losing "other options", even if he loves you. He may pull back after especially deep lovemaking because he is afraid of losing his freedom to the bond that deeper loving may imply to him.

Whether you are with a man or not, you can open and offer the attractive power of your feminine sexual energy from your deepest heart for the sake of all beings - and by doing so, you will attract a deep man into your life.
Offering your deepest yearning and love is an art that will attract and inspire your man's deepest presence, even when you feel tired or not in the mood.

You can live open as love's art, moving in every aspect of life as a reflection of the sacred. Offer your feminine sexual energy through your deepest heart's yearning. The radiance of your deep heart's yearning is the beacon that attracts men of integrity. Not your neediness. Not your independence.
Throughout your life, continue to intuit and offer your heart's deepest longing.

As much as you may genuinely enjoy guiding your own life professionally, artistically, or politically, your feminine essence yearns to surrender as all love rather than maintain control and make all the decisions spiritually and sexually.

Choosing and staying with a man is like choosing to get on a train. You will end up going where your man goes, spiritually and sexually, or you will have to get off his train.
You want a man who feels you, listens to you, considers everything you have said, and then claims you, taking you to where you couldn't tell him to take you, even if you tried. He takes your heart to new depths of adventure and openness, and he shows you new aspects of life.

You don't want a man who adapts his direction to where you say you want to go. What good is he then?

A deep man of integrity takes your heart into his heart as he navigates, fine-tuning his actions while feeling your heart's response, always valuing your feedback. But his navigation is not relinquished or weakened by your feedback or anyone's.

Practice feeling your heart and opening your body, breath, and emotions so that love can express through you, unimpeded by your accumulated shells of fear-imposed masculine self-control.

Love your shells when your fear clamps tight, and then express your deepest yearning to your man. If you want a man whose train you trust to take you where you want to go - and beyond - then you can inspire his train with your depth of love's yearning and fine-tune his direction with your heart's intuition and your fullest expression of love's spontaneously offered energy.
You will attract and keep a man who can maintain his integrity with the same consistency that you can offer your dance through love-softened shells without collapse or frustration. And this isn't easy, for either of you.
If you want a man who can offer his deepest consciousness and create a sacred relationship with you - perhaps while also providing security, family and vacations - then feel, trust, and offer your heart's deepest yearning. Then, your love's most divine longing and deepest wisdom will choose the man you truly value and inspire. Your relationship will reflect your heart's most sacred light.

With practice you can learn to offer your pleasure, pain, and emotions spontaneously and responsively as soon as they occur, letting go of them instantly, always with your heart open and connecting with your lover's heart, even as your pleasure, pain, and emotions flow.
You can learn to stay open while all of your emotions flow. Even when anger is flowing, you can learn to remain in eye contact with your lover.
All emotions can and do flow when your heart is open and connected with your lover's heart.
Express your deepest heart immediately and spontaneously through your open and relaxed body, before suppressing it and allowing a secondary emotion to build up inside.

Learn to trust and value your heart's deep sensitivity. Fully express to your man how you feel as your lives proceed together, moment by moment.

As you grow, you will find fewer men and women who understand you, and fewer potential lovers who you can trust fully.
Your deep heart yearns to be seen and known and loved so fully that your yearning unfolds wide as God and divine love opens boundlessly through you and the hearts of all beings.

At some point during your workday, you notice that you have become stressed. Your head is tight, your jaw tense, your breath shallow. You have spent the day making major decisions for your business, leading meetings, and catching up on your to-do list. Somewhere along the line, you lost connection with your heart. You began operating on automatic pilot as a masculine machine of purpose. You accomplished a lot, but your body and heart now feel tight and blocked.
You stand still for a moment and relax. Every few hours during the workday you do a similar exercise. Sometimes you open your heart and body more subtly during a meeting or while sitting in front of the computer. You know that however important your business is, if you lose touch with your heart's deepest yearning and your body's openness, then you are training your body to be unfeeling and tense. You are disconnecting from what is most important to you: love.
You know that success is only worth achieving if love also flows fully in your heart, your body, and your life.
Over time, you actually learn to breathe all beings in and out of your heart and dance love through your entire body during your day at work.
This process can take years to cultivate artfully, but soon you notice other people treating you differently. Men and women are very attracted to your openness and radiance, but also very respectful of your depth. As you value your own deepest heart's yearning and breathe the hearts of all others, you attract honor, respect, and even worship from everyone.

A 3rd stage man worships the depth of your devotional yearning and the fullness of your feminine love-light. He knows that all things, including your body and mind, are transient, passing, and brief. This entire world is always changing, and so he is rooted in deep consciousness, that which never changes.
He can feel if you are needy of men's attention. If you are playing games. If you are acting independent on the outside but full of lonely fear in your heart. His body may enjoy looking at yours and his mind may appreciate your intelligence, but that is not enough to move his heart in worship. His heart, his depth, his consciousness, worships feminine devotional openness - a woman who loves to be claimed by God's ravishment, a woman confident in her light's attractiveness, a woman who offers herself as a radian blessing through which consciousness can worship and be worshipped.

Are your body and mind transparent to your heart's radiance and devotional yearning, showering the room with your gifts of blessing? Or are you afraid, self-conscious, or so wounded and confused that you have lost touch to some degree with your own heart's deepest desire and gifts?

If you were single and available for a relationship, the 3rd stage men int eh restaurant would notice your depth and strength of heart. Compared to the hurried, stressed, and self-worth-obsessed demeanor of most women, the confidence of your vulnerable and yearning heart shows through the openness of your body, eyes, and smile. And so does your untamed, undomesticated, unafraid energy.

Your practice of heart-depth, love-offering, and exquisitely responsive energy is what attracts a deep man and inspires all beings to open in the trust of love.

Every moment that you breathe more shallowly than you would while you were deeply making love, you are actively training your body to feel less, your heart to open less, your love to flow less.
You doubt love, so you buffer your heart and harden your body. You can become afraid to leave the familiar lifestyle - and tension - that continually abuses your heart. You've grown used to some suffering, and you truly love your well appointed home, your friends, your cat, your garden. You chose to play the victim to less love than you know, deep down, you deserve.

Nobody can make you grow beyond your heart-protected independence until you are ready to trust love and yearn open without becoming entangled in the unending drama of aloneness and possible relationship. You can choose to surrender open as your heart's deepest yearning. You can breathe, speak, move, and live as love's yearning openness.

No matter how much masculine success or freedom you have achieved, if you have a feminine sexual essence, then your heart yearns to be claimed in two-bodied devotional trust, ravished and offered without hesitation.

Be careful that your love of politics or business isn't a disguised form of not trusting your man, or not trusting that a man can take your heart open to God. Be careful that your professional life is an expression of your deepest heart, not a substitute for being ravished so fully that every cell is entered and burst open in love's bliss.

When you are ready to surrender open and be claimed by love, you will attract and choose a man who can open you fully, a man who does demand your total surrender with the consistent force of his deep and loving presence.

No body or relationship lasts forever. Only your yearning - love's desire to open through you - is constant. 

on intimate communion

While preparing for my exams i read two david deida books. On one hand, his development theory was part of my studies, on the other hand i spent far more time with the development stages of relationships than that of the ego. I was obviously fascinated by deida's work. 

It all started the first time i heard his name and his theory. i need to admit i was tired, and tipsy, sitting in the classroom, lost my attention long ago - hearing Freud's psychosexual development theory the dozen's time after a long night coupled with a good quantity of drink, one might understand, i was lost. But there did it come. The lecturer started talking about the kind of intimacy i recently got a glimpse of, that deida researched and wrote several books about. i got wide awake, completely focused, although i am still curious where the source of energy might have been as i was on reserve battery. I knew that i want to learn more about this thing that deida calls intimate communion. 

I shared my fascination with a good friend of mine, who coincidentally, just ordered one of deida's books. the next day i followed her, and ordered some books written by david deida that seemed interesting to me. now i will share some of his thoughts as well as my own.

on the first page deida clearly states that his books are for men and women who enjoy tangled bodies, open hearts and enlightened minds. this is exactly what i am looking for. this book is clearly FOR ME!

Many of us have experienced "old-style" relationships based on roles of male control and female giving - even if not in our own lives, but in our parent's life we can see this relationship based on mutual dependency, when the man is dependent on the woman emotionally and sexually, while the woman is dependent on the material level.

Most of the people i know have found such relationships evil and wanted something different. Their willingness resulted in the complete opposite of dependence: complete independence - whether single or in a relationship. "Modern style" intimacies are based on independence and fairness. But these 50/50 relationships lack passion. It might feel like two buddies discussing, instead of passionately loving.

But these are not the only options! There is something beyond 50/50, what deida calls intimate communion. it can be experienced when two lovers surrender their boundaries and melt into a single body of passion, they are anything but "in control".

If you are willing to give your true gift and express your true desires, you can create perfect intimacy, moment by moment. This kind of intimacy is something you do, not something you have. It is an on-going practice of sexual union, emotional openness and spiritual trust. It is a practice of love. 

sometimes i feel lost

why are you so cruel to me?
you showed me real intimacy
but with a man who is out of my reach
romance is gone in less than six weeks

my friends planned to comfort me in my grief
with my soulmate i wanted to meet
and then you realize his dream
taking him away on the exact same week

why is it now?
why cant you wait?
you took my mother
and now even my soulmate

screw you!
why cant you be nice to me
once a little more delicacy
just a little bit of harmony

why you have to take him now? why cant you wait?
but thats what i ask with my selfish mind
i am happy for him with all my heart
he deserves it more than anyone i know

sometimes i feel lost

i am tired and i would give up

it would be easy but i still move on

i long to feel comforted and loved

i wanna surrender in a loving hug

9-Feb-2015

once you surrender

once you surrender
once you arrive in the present
love flows through you
then you become a means of life

when there is attachment
your head is full of thoughts
you are not even aware of what is happening in the moment
you own a living body but you are not living in it

it might be the simplest thing
though for many it's the hardest
to surrender to life
you need to give up all attachment

thoughts, patterns, ideas
creations of the past
your mind is full of dead thoughts
and that makes you dead too

once you surrender
you just started living
you flow with the current of life
and your life will unfold with ease and grace

9-Feb-2015

I am blessed for ever having met you

I am blessed since I met my soul mate
I don't cling to you, I let you fly
Our lives cross once in a while
And a thought of you makes me smile

You are a mirror, I see myself better through you
You are my diary, I open my soul to you solely
Although it takes long till I let anyone step in
Through you I am more completely me

You are always there to support me, when I need it most
You understand my feelings even without saying a word
Without seeing my face, or hearing my voice
You just know what is happening deep in my void

I am blessed for ever having met you
I cannot say enough: Thank you!

2-Feb-2015

 

I would want a mature man

I would want a mature man
who knows his mind and knows his heart
who allows feelings whether they are positive or negative
who has boundaries, but is ready to diminish them, at least for me
who loves to travel the world and get to know new places

I would want a mature man
who is capable of commitment
who can show his feelings, even if it makes him vulnerable
who would never suppress his thought even if those hurt
who has his own values but is ready to open for new ideas

I would want a mature man
who can make tough decisions
who can dream and make all to achieve those
who has a mission, but who can admit if his goals cannot be achieved
who is strong and can take responsibility for what he did and what he didn't do

I would want a mature man
who can be pragmatic and who doesn't bullshit
who can give up when that's the best
who is courageous enough to take the risks
who can make decisions even when they are tough

I would want a mature man
who can be rational but also emotional
who has an artistic part and dares to live that
who sets his power to make his dreams come true
who exchanges his dreams for reality

I would want a mature man
who is closed to spirituality
who is ready to open his soul to me
who can accept my open heart and let me love him
who doesn't suppress his heart and opens to love

I would want a mature man
who gives me direction without any suppression
who accepts my love and diminishes my boundaries
who provides me safety but doesn't take my freedom
who makes me a goddess and reigns as a king

15-Jan-2015

It's been a month

It's been a month since we departed
It's been a month but you're still here with me
You're in my thoughts, and in my dreams
You rush in my mind and I can't help it
Our souls stay connected still

It's been a month that we were together
Two souls opened up in real intimacy
You touched my heart and you touched my soul
Such intense feeling I never experienced before
But I left and you went back to where you belong

It's been a month and I wish to see you again
I wanna see your smile and look in your eyes
I miss the way I felt and opened up myself
I told you things from the depth of my heart
Even in the secret garden I let you walk

It's been a month and I want to forget
I know I shouldn't dream of your smile
I know you would never be mine
But nothing else could be more real
Than what our souls is connecting

It's been a month and I still feel you

I see your eyes look into mine
And I feel you hugging me strong and tight
But this is not mere imagination
It can be as strong as physical sensation

It's been a month and I am going crazy
There are two parts fighting in me
I want to forget you and your smile
While I have such a unique feeling inside
I know you are not part of my reality

It's been a month and I am burning inside

I should think of other man who can be real

I wanna settle my life and get married

But between a dull relation and a real connection

I rather choose to live in my imagination

needs of love and the work place

There is an important point I had to recognize: whether we want or not, we carry the needs of our souls even to the working place. And it can create suffering. 

Organizations tend to activate our complexes regarding authority. As the first authority in our lives were our parents, in certain situations, we may project parental authority to our leaders, and we expect to love and secure us, satisfy our emotional needs.

As human beings we strive for love, respect and admiration. In a working place you may receive admiration (in the form of money), maybe even respect, but love? Forget about that. In a normal working place your boss will unlikely love you, but you may find good mates, who respect. But if you want to be loved, go and look for it elsewhere, don't expect that from your working place.

Corporate issues should be dealt with the same way as personal ones: one need to keep a healthy relationship with its soul. That is why I am so lucky: many people do care about their souls, including some leaders. 

The energy that you transmit affects all people around you - and it is valid in the working place too. 

experience makes a difference

Not long ago I reached a turning point in my life: I have spent more time with the Red Cross than at the big 4. when such time comes, it is kind of unwritten rule that we reconsider our working life: maybe it's time to move on.

This moment came in my life too. Immediately after my mother's death, i applied to a new position supporting the Ebola operations. By the time I received an invitation for an interview, I changed my mind. I realized that I am in the right place. Why should I then apply to any other position? I am not the kind of person who would escape after the first crisis. Then why would I run away meeting a normal crisis, immediately? Ok, losing one's mother doesn't happen often, but still. It does happen in everyone's life, but not all people runs away to work in Africa. So let's look into it.

I realized that applying was not a sensible decision. Firstly, I couldn't responsibly leave my current position any time within the next three months - our good friend, the year-end closing was just approaching,- whereas it is an emergency position to be filled in asap. Secondly, I want my roots and focus on a part of my life I have been struggling with in the recent years. I don't need any more professional challenge. I found what I need. Well, for the time being. I have the routine, the challenge, a nice atmosphere, kindred colleagues. I do a work I like - a good combination of people and numbers, for an organization that I like - supporting the vulnerable, with people that I like - similar hearted people are all around. I am grateful for using my professional talent in such a place and working with such nice colleagues... What else would I need?

A company is a combination of people who get together to achieve a common goal. Whereas a community is generated from a company through a common experience that grabs the participants out of their solitude. Oftentimes a working place is perceived as a company, but not a community. Whereas each of us desires to belong to a community. And this difference only creates tension and suffering.

What differentiates Red Cross from many other working place - and it could be any NGO, I guess - is that there is not only a common goal that the employees share, but there is a common experience of assisting others. Especially in those places where the actual delivery of support is combined with the office work. Having worked for Red Cross, I did experience supporting the floods operations in the Balkan, earthquake recovery in Haiti and normal development work in various European countries. When one joins Red Cross, they don't only become a member of a company, but they become a member of a community. And this is why it is hard for so many to leave the organization. Or if they once do, in a couple of year's time they would come back. One way or another.

Working in a zone office, it is a bit different. We are working in such a distance from the operations, as such one starts to suffer, as the soul gets in a distance. This is why I sometimes long to go to the field. I know how that is, and I miss having that common experience, which is much more obvious when you are supporting those in need, and you can see every day the immediate effect of the actions you and your organisation does. You know what each of your colleagues do to support those in need, and even if you fulfil a support function, the goal is obvious, but you share that experience as well, and you become a real community. The bonds become as tight as family, or even tighter.

While in the zone office, it is a bit different. When you are sitting behind a desk in a nice building, in a hill looking over the most beautiful European city (ok, i might be a bit biased, but many share my views), in such circumstances, you could be assisting any kind of projects. It could be T-shirt production or business acquisition, and not floods operation or refugee support. Numbers are numbers everywhere. And sometimes it makes me suffer. After extended periods without visiting the field, I start to miss something. Like I would have lost my soul, at least in the workplace.

But then comes another mission, to another place, and I feel that something is different, I experience something common, I see the effect we may have, and then my motivation is back. Now I understand that it is because of that common experience. Feeling a soul in the working place.

Is it a problem that I do not feel it all the time? Probably. But I need to admit that I am lucky having experienced it on the first place. It might be wrong to lose it, but then at least I know what I am looking for. The same way as the orphans may get used to a volunteer's love. "Finally there is someone who loves me unconditionally, cares about me and gives me all i need," thinks the little girl. And then the volunteer needs to return back home, and she suffers. Cannot sleep for weeks and months, cries and there is no one who could give her any comfort.
It might sound tragic to expose a two-year-old orphan to such a trauma, but at least she experienced what real love is. At least there is a print in her head (or rather in her heart) what love is, and it is better to have experienced love than never to be exposed to it.

The same way, I may suffer at times for being far away from the operations, but I utilize my professional knowledge at the best fit, for the organisation's benefit. Will it always be like that? Probably not. But for the time being i am in the right place. And that is important. I can go and look for experiences from time to time when i can share that common experience again. Whether it is distributing food, playing with the kids or implementing a policy, that experience of supporting those in need is what makes a difference. 

dreams, dreams, dreams

Dreams of you keep coming back
Although I try to keep you out of my head
Still you often rush in my mind
As an unexpected guest at night

You live your life and I live mine
And those cross only once in a while
Our realities couldn't be any further
A ring and hundreds of thousand miles

Your life is grounded, unlike mine
Thoughts of me only spice up your life
And only when you lie besides your wife

I still cherish the time when you were mine
But my part is to forget and focus on my real life
of which you have no permanent part

I need to find my roots, I cannot water dreams
That way the plant I want, would never raise
Dreaming of you, what I want could never reach
It might sound pragmatic - sorry, that is

But I just need to be present in my real life
So I try not to think of you and your smile
But still you keep coming back
How could I get back on track?

13-Jan-2015

The test of life

I heard a message stating that if you want to find your perfect match, you have to pass the test of life, the same way as Tamino needs to pass several tests until he wins Pamina in the Magic flute.

Then a series of questions raised in my head: Is it really true? Is there any perfect match? Do you need to pass any test to meet your special someone? I am not sure. For me the concept seems absurd. That you can only be complete with another person. It’s evil.  

I see that many people expect a perfect match to save their lives. People expect to find the way back to Paradise by finding that special someone who perfectly matches them. Little girls look for a father who protects them, and men search for women whom they can save – as they had to (or wanted to) save their mothers.

It feels like there are little children playing that matching game. There are small semicircles all around the globe, all in different sizes and colours, and they are looking for their other halves, the one that would match perfectly, both in size and color. People try on the first semicircle and after a while they realize that they do not match at all, so they set off and look for another one who might match better. A new try, and a new disappointment. And after a while they accept what comes into life, they need to satisfy with a compromise, as they didn’t encounter that truly perfect match.

The myth of the androgüns tells the same, although I never felt any truth in it. People were originally created by the gods with two heads, four hands and four legs, they had both male and female sexual organs. These people had extraordinary power and lived a happy life. That’s why the gods started to envy them, and they decided to cut people’s power. So the gods cut the androgüns in half, and since then there are men and women on the face of Earth. Ever since then people are depressed as they feel that something is missing. They search for their other halves, hoping that they will find the lost Paradise.

But this is simply nonsense. You cannot expect someone to bring you back to Paradise. Sorry to break the news: there is no single person who could save you. After the floods we are all floating on the sea of life, everyone tries to survive. Everyone has a single lifebelt, each of us has only one. In such circumstances how could one expect that another shipwrecked person would save him?

The Savior is not to be found without, it can only be found within. You need to realize that no one can ever save you, except for yourself. It is only yourself who can save you.

Paradise cannot be found without, it can only be found within. We can find the way back to Paradise, to ourselves, via accepting the shadow and the complexes and taking the responsibility for ourselves and our actions, and also our non-actions. If we do that, then we are capable of real love (not depending on the other, which is rather need than love, still universally called as love). And if we are capable of love, we are capable of a real connection, an intimate relation with another human being.

If we know ourselves we can get connected with similar souls. But when we play roles and only follow the rules, then we don't even know ourselves either, how could we recognize if someone is similar to us?

In the Jungian approach, first you need to start to walk the path of individuation and then you may feel real love. You may find someone to love earlier, but then it is not love, that sensation is only an illusion. It is only your inner projection. Later you realize that you don’t even know the person you’re with, and then it ends up being a power game. After a while you feel that you were cheated. You were expecting for the special someone to carry your weight, to take responsibility for you and your actions, to make you happy, to bring you back to Paradise... all of which is a hidden objective of the little child inside, who lost the unison with universe and the mother, was lost and alone, and now seeks the same kind of Paradise as he lived in the womb of the mother.

But if you start the individuation process, you start to accept yourself in your uniqueness, you may experience real encounters, and your life will be open for real love. If it is a test of life, fine. In my understanding, this is life. What others do, who don't start this road, remain children and will never grow up...

We form our relationships based on the first relationship we had with human beings, i.e. the relationship towards our mother and father. The patterns of this original relationship are so much imprinted in our minds, that we repeat the same rules and those decide on our choice of relationships and their nature. Without us being aware of them. As a matter of fact, we tend to live our past over and over again. The same patterns appear, one relationship after the other, the same actions and reactions as we did with our mothers and fathers.

If you want to live in a healthy relationship, you need to grow up and accept that there are such irrational motives in all your relationships. You cannot really change on that. But it’s your choice whether you are aware of these hidden objectives, and whether you let them lead your life, or you decide to lead your own life, in your own way, instead of repeating the same patterns you always did, repeating the relationship that you had with your mother or your father.

It is your life and it is your decision whether you want to be an adult or a child.

It is very much necessary to have an honest look into the mirror before we could start to prepare for a relationship. Without understanding ourselves, there is no possibilty of a real commitment based on real intimacy.

The quality of our relationships depends on the way we feel in our own skin. The best and most we can do for all our acquaintance, is to acknowledge the relationship we have towards ourselves, and then we can give our best self in our relationships.

When the relationship is not stimulated by ever renewing needs, but there is a true care for the other person, then we are truly free to experience the other’s unique self. Then we take on the journey to experience the centre of that person. By digging towards the centre to truly experience the other’s true self, we open up and we truly encounter. In such a relationship one can experience real love.

When only surfaces scratch each other, it is only acquaintance, there is no connection, even if decades were lived together. There will be no love between two periferies. Love can be experienced only in the depth of the soul, when two souls encounter in the silence, where no words are needed to understand each other.

When we walk our own lives, and we allow our spouse to follow his own mission, and support him doing that, when you accept whatever his decision is, then we truly care about him and respect him. 

This can be called love – in its truest sense. 

a glimpse to real intimacy

for years i have been looking for a real connection
a mixture of physical and emotional attraction
a connection spiced up with similar wavelength
and common transcendental experience

although i was longing for real intimacy

i couldn't help but still kept my privacy

kept my protecting walls towards most men

and opened up only to some specimen

i always felt that something was missing

or simply i was the one missing

the father wound made me escape

you cant make me sit in a cage 

then coincidence brought an extraordinary collusion

when i met you in this earthly dimension

the walls i tried to keep, disappeared

a look in your eyes made me feel complete 

honest talks, open communication

sharing even the spiritual dimension 

appreciation of each others' unique gear
this is pure, it couldn't be more real 

i experienced a unique connection

but will never base an intimate relation

a real connection which is so rare

but i hope life will still spare 

i may cry, but only once in a while
then it makes me feel that i am alive
i know you exist, even if not for me
you gave only a glimpse of intimacy 

i only hope that life will be good
and such connection is not too unique
happens not only once in a lifetime
and when i experience it the next time
it will base a relationship that lasts a lifetime